Sunday, 9th July, 2023
Rain over night but the early morning has opened dry and warm. Went out early to walk on the beach. The sea had deserted the land. Glowering clouds blanketed the skies. The air was warm and motionless. The colours muted, downbeat.
I’ve been struggling to live with myself for a while. I seem to be running to stand still. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I am struggling to adjust to failure, to loss, to impending pain. I feel like I am going through the motions, playing out time to some inevitability. All sounds very self-indulgent and defeatist. Ultimately, it isn’t. In some respects, it takes a lot of courage to articulate one’s fears and disappointments and publicly admit them. It is also the first stage to confronting them. I’m told I shouldn’t be surprised by this because of my drugs but I am.
If there is one thing I know about myself it is that I NEVER give in. At the moment, however, I am carrying a weight around with me and it is colouring my days. Trying to keep busy to stop my thoughts. Night time is the worst. Poor sleep. Constantly waking. Radio on. Concentrate on the news and not on myself. In the early hours of this morning, it was a philosophical exploration of Living in the Moment accompanied by complementary music which only served to move me more. The topic was something I find difficult to do. Everything must be planned and controlled. Outcomes must be predictable. At the moment, I have little control of events.
Currently, I am using gardening to distract me. Actually, I am finding that the names of plants I grew for years in Yorkshire but which I haven’t grown over the last decade down here are eluding me. Hope it’s not a sign of dementia. I’m forgetting birthday dates as well.
At least with plants I have an app which helps me. Google have brought out a new app called Google Lens which allows one to photograph a plant and it instantly matches it to other images in its bank and names them. Goodness knows what I do about birthdays.
Monday, 10th July, 2023
Woken to a lovely, sunny day. There is a feeling about the world that it is bursting with bounty. My garden is throwing out more produce than we can eat. Rather than relax and enjoy the season, Nature – birds and plants – is rushing to fruition. You may know, Dear Reader, the lines from Samuel Beckett’s Waiting for Godot:
They give birth astride of a grave,
the light gleams an instant,
then it’s night once more.
Life is only a brief flash of time, an instant, and then death is the inevitable end. Time is ultimately rather meaningless when one’s whole lifetime is condensed into a brief moment.
It is only early July and yet blackberries are rushing to fruit and ripen. Birds all around are testing their readiness for sweet and succulent food.
On our walk this morning a wonderful Buddleia Bush is in full bloom. Of course, it is known as the Butterfly Bush and, true to its name, this one was covered in Butterflies. Nothing very unusual but quite spectacular in colour as it pursues its short life as a winged insect.
It is strange to think of the time continuum as a human and translate it into the lifespan of a mayfly, a butterfly, a bird or a rabbit. We see ourselves on this earth forever but a day for a mayfly is a life for a man. The speed at which things must resolve themselves if you only live for 24 hours! Life flutters by in the blink of an eye.
The awful thing for man is that, not only do we have the ability to be self reflective but we have the time as well. I suspect this butterfly won’t experience angst, ambition, rejection, failure, disappointment. It won’t agonise over achievement or longevity. Its time continuum is preordained … subject to predators.
Tuesday, 11th July, 2023
Up and out walking at 5.00 am on a warm and pleasant morning. No point just lying in bed when I could be active. Back for Breakfast and then watering all the pots and raised beds in the garden. Now, an hour in the Gym. Lots to get through today. Watched a new episode of Long Lost Family last night and I’ve still got the sadness of it populating my mind as I go about my daily tasks. Going to spend some time on the Ancestry website over the next few days.
M&K were back up in Oldham over the weekend with their three adopted lads for a family wedding. Aren’t wedding photos the very core of historical records?
Rediscovering the past is so important and I am travelling back to Greater Manchester to revisit my History. On the loose around old stomping grounds is a lovely feeling. Surprise visits are on the cards! It was 23C and sunny when we left the South Coast. After an hour we were at Toddington Services in light cloud.
An hour and a half later, we had driven through a cloud burst which obliterated the motorway markings as we arrived at Leicester Forrest.
The journey has taken 4.5 hours. Quite delightful. Quiet, traffic free without problem. A24/M25/M1/M26 – all notorious roads but, today, really nice to drive.
By the time we arrived at our Yorkshire hotel, the world was delightful. We were welcomed with a lovely room, completed my exercise routine in the Gym and relaxed into the comfort of familiarity. Can’t wait to see people over the next few days!
Wednesday, 12th July, 2023
Up and out walking at 5.00 am. Cool and gloomy sky. Walking for about an hour and a half. Back for Breakfast. Won’t eat that again!
With a black suit and tie on, I drove across the Pennines to Oldham. The scene was suitably sombre as we drove. Wore a suit every work day for 40 years. Putting one on today felt nice/weird.
The funeral was an atheistic service which suited me. Met quite a few ex-pupils and teachers who had been friends of Joyce & Harry. Good to see them again although we both agreed that we could never live back here again. The housing stock and the landscape makes it feel like the century before last. Antiquated, unforgiving, impoverished, harsh, there was nothing to recommend it other that the familiarity of the past.
The service for Joyce was lovely. It was sad but reaffirming. I looked around the congregation and wondered who would be at my funeral. Would you, Dear Reader? Don’t worry, I won’t blame you if you swerve it.
I will never give up. At the end of the afternoon, came back from Oldham to complete my exercise routine. It was hard but required. I’m still working to stay alive until someone tells me otherwise.
Thursday, 13th July, 2023
Up at 5.00 am. Out walking. Actually quite warm and pleasant … well for Yorkshire. At least 13C/57F … felt like Winter. Did 5 miles before Breakfast. Definitely won’t be eating that again. The hotel gives the impression of classical splendour but fails on both ancient and modern accounts.
The bed was terrible. I really didn’t sleep at all. For £170.00 per night it was poor. That was the price of a fairly ordinary room. Because we were there at short notice, we had to take what was available. It was poor.
At least the view was good and the weather was dry. You could still hear the M62 droning away in the distance but, other than that, the prospect was lovely.
The drive back was really good. The M1 and M25 were excellent. A sign of the times, we managed to drive home on a tank of petrol with 200 miles to spare. A hybrid engine is so economical that we can do almost 500 miles on one tank of unleaded at motorway speeds.
I was using a newish radar trap warning app which sits on my smartphone on the trickle charger in my car. It gives multiple audible warnings of approaching speed cameras and reminds us of the speed. Tested it out today. It was never wrong.
Friday, 14th July, 2023
I was tired last night after a 5 hr drive and then a shopping trip. Went to bed early and slept right through to 5.30 am. Something of an achievement at the moment. Had to be up early on this overcast but incredibly warm morning. Expected to see rain but it was dry. I had an 8.30 am appointment at the surgery. As usual now, the waiting room was almost empty – just me and two girls.
I signed in on my phone and was told my blood test would be performed by Miss Lovelock. Sounded promising. I sat down and read messages on my phone. I was so engrossed that one of the girls suddenly said, Are you John Sanders? Thought it was a chat-up line but it appears my name had come up twice already on the waiting room screen. Unfortunately, Miss Lovelock turned out to be a 40 something bruiser with butterflies tattooed up her arms. She hurt me with the needle and my arm bled quite badly afterwards.
My blood test was to check my PSA (prostate-specific antigen) and testosterone levels. Hopefully, the prostate has shrunk and, with it, the cancer. I’ve always had too much testosterone so I hope that is lower at the moment as well. Apparently, testosterone feeds the cancer so reducing levels will starve it at the same time as the hormone treatment shrinks it. How much medical science one acquires when one’s life is in danger.
One of the lovely things about yesterday was to be reunited with Dr Andrew Jones, Joyce’s son. I last saw him in the 1970s when he was a quiet, polite and timid little lad in my English class. He went to London University to do a Science Degree and then came back to Leeds to do a Doctorate. He moved to Boston, Massachusetts to work as a Medical Scientist, married a Boston girl in the same profession and has never returned – apart from for fleeting visits.
It was really good to see him again after all these years and to meet his wife, Kirsten. They are very keen for us to go over and stay with them in Boston. We could combine it with a trip to Florida. Co-incidentally, my boyhood friend, Jonathan, has lived in Boston since the early 1970s with his wife, Cathy. I have been meaning to visit them for some time. I can feel a trip coming on.
Saturday, 15th July, 2023
Very humid night and incredibly humid morning. I’m feeling OLD! I saw a photo of my face from just 6 years ago and I looked so YOUNG. Whenever I meet people and tell them my age, they always affect surprise. I have no way of knowing if they mean it. I chose to believe them and flattered myself. I’m beginning to think I was wrong. Got up to go to the loo in the night and could hardly get my legs going. It shocks me. I do walk 10 miles every day and carry round the residual tiredness that my legs suffer from that but, compared to my 20s, I recover less quickly. The trouble is that I fear the act of admitting it to myself and to you, Dear Reader, will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Driving back from the savages in the North can be a journey into sophistication. Leaving behind the Land of Fish & Chips, a more delicate and nuanced cuisine prevails. En route this time, we stopped off at Toddington Service Station in Bedfordshire. There was a charity book sale as we walked in and I spotted immediately this book:
It is French and totally in French but the recipes are wonderful. Have you been to Lyon? I stayed in a hotel there en route as we drove to Italy. I need to explore it more if this recipe for Filets of Carp with Frogs Legs and Snails in a butter sauce with garlic and chervil is anything to go by. This is how the world should be fed!
Of course, it would have to be accompanied by these wonderful yellow, French Beans. There is little choice. I have a glut from really only about 15 plants. We are going to be eating them hot with garlic or cold with mayonnaise for weeks. I’m hoping these beans have a rejuvenating element and that I can turn back the ravages of time.