Sanders Blog

Sunday, 3rd December, 2023

This week completes my 15th year of posting my daily dribblings. It almost coincides with and shadows my Retirement. Lots of people contact me about it and others just read. It has been criticised as self indulgent, self pitying, sleep-inducing and praised as thoughtful, interesting, and amusing. (You know who you are.) I don’t write it for you. I write it completely for myself. I write it to remember. I write to fill in the gaps when I don’t remember any more. Even so, all are welcome. I will miss you if you leave.

The Blog is a tool to cope with my life’s ups and downs. Writing things down forces me to think it through and come to terms with them. Some people bottle these things up. Some talk about them. I write. In my view it’s better out than in. I have been doing it all my life in one guise or another. I would write letters, Newsletters, a Family website, my own, personal website and then added my Blog. The Blog form was made for people like me. You will know that the word Blog is an amalgam of Web Log.

At the time I was publishing my own websites, I was also developing, publishing and persuading staff to use school websites and intranets. I have spent the last 25 years improving my technical skills in web construction and presentation, learning how to use professional web design software and employing professional technicians to help me. Nowadays, anybody with a little nouse can do it without investing so much time learning the skills.

While I’m writing today, I am listening to a childhood hero of mine – Bob Dylan, the pop poet – who I came to while in Grammar School:

How does it feel, ah how does it feel?
To be on your own, with no direction home
Like a complete unknown, like a rolling stone.

Bob Dylan – 1965

I tell the world about my problems but I was moved by a friend of mine from North Yorkshire who told me yesterday that he was depressed and lacking joie de vivre. He loves the sunshine and warmth of Spain and goes there many times a year. At home after an operation, he has the misfortune of snow and ice. He thinks he is suffering from SAD syndrome and that can be very debilitating. At least there will be a simple solution to his sadness when he is able to fly away to the sunshine.

Lots of friends around the country have snow and cold this weekend. JohnR was enthusiastically helping to arrange a candlelit carol service at Fountains Abbey in North Yorkshire this weekend. It has had to be cancelled. John Morris in Nottingham has lots of snow and Dave Weatherley in Bolton has snow. Dave Roberts in Rochdale has snow. I must admit, I am delighted to report that, as soon as our heating was fixed, it went so much warmer down here and we are 10C/50F today. If I ever see snow on the Sussex coast, I will be disappointed but be sure you will be the first to hear of it, Dear Reader.

Monday, 4th December, 2023

A depressing day of dark skies and fine, wetting rain. You would love it, Dear Reader. Actually, Lizzie Frainier, The Times Travel Editor chose a sunnier weekend and really loved it. She has written an up beat and enthusiastic article about visiting Worthing.

She was particularly impressed with the new restaurant, Perch on the Pier and the trendy, beachside Crab Shack. Forget wet Wales and come to sunny Worthing!

There is something none of us should be doing and that is putting things off. Time is so precious and current events teach us this every day. In the past week, two, major figures from Left Wing politics have died and both before they reached 80. First, the thoughtful, softly spoken economist, Alistair Darling died of cancer aged only 70.

And then, Glenys Kinnock, former teacher, MEP, Life Peer and wife of Labour Leader, Neil Kinnock died aged 79 after suffering Alzheimer’s for 6 years.

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

T.S. Eliot – The Hollow Men – 1925

None of us know. None of us really know what will happen. It can happen instantly or very, very slowly. It can happen now or it can happen long into the future. All we do know is that it will happen. The time to reach out is now. Sometimes it means so much.

Tuesday, 5th December, 2023

Really not sleeping well at the moment and I’m still using the World Service to block out thoughts aggravating my mind. I’m trying desperately to control myself. At 3.30 this morning I was listening to information about a breakthrough treatment for prostate cancer which is being rolled out to NHS clinics across the country.

H.I.F.U. uses high-frequency sound waves to destroy tumours, with much milder side-effects than traditional therapies for more advanced cancers. Just my luck and story of my life.

As the Blog reaches another milestone, I have been thinking about legacy and gravestones and the latest hot topic – Artificial Intelligence which many of us have been using for years without realising – and it’s application to becoming immortal. I’m sure you would be happy for me and my Blog to go on in perpetuity. Oh Yes, you would!

With HereAfter AI, users record answers to interview questions and upload photos while they’re still alive, leaving behind a virtual version of themselves. Grief Tech is part of a larger trend of using technology to cope with loss. The subject records ideas, beliefs, activities, experiences – sounds like a Blog – and then the AI software uses that data to populate its program which bereaved loved ones can then communicate with, interrogate and be consoled by. So, Dear Reader, I am with you for ever!

… Let me take you down ’cause I’m going to …. the beach again. This morning, the sun has definitely got his hat on as we walked on the beach where the River Arun runs into the English Channel.

At least you no longer have to worry about the ongoing existence of the Blog. It will be there for you as long as you are …. there.

Wednesday, 6th December, 2023

A beautiful day outside and we went for a walk in the afternoon but the morning was given to reading, writing, politics, PMQs, Johnson blustering through the Covid Inquiry and Braverman giving her Resignation Speech. Kevin & I had a chat about his new, SAD light which arrived this morning.

My Housekeeper is running through Christmas preparations. Neither of us is particularly committed to the Festival but these things have to be faced. Her responsibility is Catering. She has already produced a Pudding & two Cakes. She is making a series of other Sweets for diners and is planning the Starters in advance. Endless lists are prepared. Huge trips to Sainsburys are planned. There are Christmas card lists to go through and presents to order or search out.

None of these activities are begrudged. None are subject to affordability. The expense is largely irrelevant. We are lucky enough or astute enough to not need to stint ourselves or others.

It is incredible that a large section of the population are condemned to starving to support their families, are condemned to freezing to afford to eat, are condemned to suffering to give their children a Christmas present. I remember when I was Head of an Oldham school, one of my parents came to beg me for help because she had had to break the gas meter to steal the cash inside in order to buy food for her kids at Christmas. Arrested, she was expecting prison and her children in Care. She wanted me to write to the court in mitigation. Why should anyone be put in that position?

In the past couple of days, our bank accounts have received our professional pensions, our state pensions, £500.00 for two Winter Fuel Payments and £20.00 for Christmas Bonuses. We are not inclined to turn down our entitlements but we do see the miserable irony of our bounty set against others poverty. When you read the newspaper reports into poverty, you realise the painful disparity across society.

Thursday, 7th December, 2023

A grey, boringly dull day which is dominated by Medical events. Pauline & I pledged that, when we got old, we would not allow medical matters to dominate our thoughts and actions, that we would take more responsibility for our own health. Well, I’ve smashed that idea this year completely haven’t I. Sorry.

I’ve been testing my INR (blood coagulation) for 14 years since I was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation. I do it once a week at home and record it on a spreadsheet. There aren’t many people in the country who can say that. It’s no big deal and I wouldn’t even mention it if there was anything more interesting going on. There is only one event that I really care about at the moment and that will be on December 29th when I will hear how my cancer is developing.

Unfortunately, I am having to take Pauline to Worthing hospital this afternoon because we are concerned that the Covid Booster has reset her heart rhythm. She is having tests to determine what the problem is. For someone who has never had a problem with her blood pressure in her life, this is concerning. I never want to involve you in my problems but I have to write them out.

Life is subject to the guillotine of fate. We never know what is going to happen. That is why we have to act while we can and not wait. I have friends who put off and put off and …. That is fatal. You have to act, risk, try, whatever the outcome.

Do you know who this is? I booked him to come to my school about 30 years ago to speak to a cohort of youngsters about writing. Benjamin Zephaniah was an oral poet, novelist, playwright, children’s writer and reggae artist. He even appeared in ‘Peaky Blinders’. I invited him to come to my school to talk to a group of kids who were ethnically marginalised. He was shy, unassuming and absolutely delightful. It was announced this morning that he had died of a brain tumour which was only diagnosed 7 weeks ago. He was just 65.

You never know what can happen. If you want to, do it now! Never delay because you don’t know what can happen to destroy your plans. Believe me, Dear Reader. Don’t delay. Do it today!

Friday, 8th December, 2023

Lovely, warm and sunny day that feels like Springtime. The birds are singing, bees are buzzing and butterflies are fluttering by in abundance. It really raises the spirits. Did a long walk this morning and everywhere feels as if it is celebrating the season. On that walk through a housing development near the park, I was struck by how the world looked like very early Autumn …. in mid-December! It feels quite liberating.

I get sent news from areas around the country. Yorkshire is suffering dreadful flooding. Manchester had strong rain throughout yesterday evening but had also experienced beautiful night skies of the aurora borealis type. It seems appropriate for Manchester to enjoy the Northern Lights especially in the Northern Quarter with Chanel’s Métiers d’Art show.

Are you sending Christmas Cards this year? Last year we went to America before Christmas and contacted people with a newsletter in October to say we wouldn’t be at home to send cards. There are lots of people on the card list who we haven’t seen for years but with whom I don’t want to lose contact. For quite a while, though, posted cards have seemed very last century. Each year for the past 5 we have debated Digital v Analogue. After a family meeting today, we’ve agreed to send one more year’s cards but to include the message that we will be going digital next year. We will make a contribution to Cancer Research in lieu of cards and postage.

The Post Office will go out of business next year but, for now, don’t forget to run to collect the post when it comes through the door because it will, I promise, include a card from me … at some time. The other thing I guarantee is that it will feature a robin of some sort.

By this time in the afternoon, I announce that I’m going in the Garage/Gym. Yes, the building is designed as a Garage but it is now entirely a Gym / Cooking Area with Freezer / Wine Cellar / Mezanine Storage area. For more than 40 years, I have parked in my garage. This one has not been used as a garage for over 3 years. I suddenly realised that it no longer feels unusual, uncomfortable or difficult. I also realise that I clean the car less because it is always outside and subject to the weather. Anyway, you go in the Garage. I’m going in the Gym.

Saturday, 9th December, 2023

Never give in, Dear Reader. The day started off in heavy rain but is now extremely warm and sunny. A long walk is prescribed but I have spent the morning re-reading a year’s Blog in preparation for writing my Christmas Newsletter. When your memory is as fuzzy as mine, running back over your year is an interesting prospect.

We heard overnight that the Love Story was over. Ryan O’Neal, one of the stars of the 1970 film had died aged 82. He had …. prostate cancer and was diagnosed at the age of 72. Oh, Hell! Oh well. That’s me warned.

Unlike me, the rest of the world seems to be looking forward to, preparing for, Christmas. My old friend, JohnR, was performing with the Folk Group he started almost 50 years ago to reflect where he lived and spent his life.

Our street is starting to acquire the festivity that the residents seem to enjoy. I just keep my head down and let it pass. Actually, we are having roast turkey for Supper tonight. The chef bought one yesterday to produce stock for the Christmas gravy. Nothing is left to chance in this house!

Sunday, 26th November, 2023

Sunday morning of the final week of my 72^nd November started at 5.00 am with the radio news. On Sunday, it is followed by a contemplative exploration of religious/philosophical concepts which the BBC consider appropriate for a Sunday morning. In exploring these concepts but entertaining at the same time, Mark Tully weaves an eclectic mix of words and music. I have no religion but I am interested in the concepts.

This morning, the topic was Memories and started with the most hauntingly beautiful Miserere Mei (Have mercy on me.) which reminded me of my childhood and the religion I was forced through. It was followed by a piece of Chamber Music by John Barry: A Childhood Memory. The two pieces evoked so much that I remember of my childhood and the trappings of Catholicism that were so important to my mother.

We are often urged to live in the Present but that doesn’t mean we should forget the Past. The one is informed by the other. In my beginning is my end. Early life unerringly shapes later life. The Jesuit principle contains a lot of significance: ‘ Give me a child till he is seven years old,’ said St Ignatius Loyola, ‘ and I will show you the man.’  I’m an historian. The past is of huge importance for the present and the future.

I was brought up in a large and vibrant family with 7 siblings all exhibiting blossoming personalities, views, beliefs, tastes. It was a place where conversation flourished and musical instruments were practised. The flute, the violin, the mandolin and umpteen recorders/melodicas in one house made it fairly full-on. We were encouraged to compete and we certainly did – which is why we dispersed like shooting seeds from a pod scattering to fertilise new lives out of the shade of our family home. I think that is why my early years away from home were so bewildering.

The next piece Tully played was Memories from Cats – a rather saccharine, romanticised view of the past which it is easy to fall into:

Memory, all alone in the moonlight
I can dream of the old days
Life was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

TS Eliot/Richard Stilgoe

This was followed with Days from The Kinks and a much tougher approach to follow:

Thank you for the days
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me
I’m thinking of the days
I won’t forget a single day, believe me

I bless the light
I bless the light that shines on you, believe me
And though you’re gone
You’re with me every single day, believe me …

Ray Davies – 1968

These are hard words to say. If, like me, you are inclined towards sentimentality, you like to believe that somethings will never grow old and die and, in one, enduring sense all things persist in memory if slightly imperfectly.

And all this before 6.00 am, Dear Reader. No wonder I’m exhausted before I get up. The same thoughts will still be there at the end of the day. In my beginning ….

Monday, 27th November, 2023

Bonjour, Cher Lecteur. Salutations de France. Désolé, je teste juste …

Actually, I’m going to France tomorrow morning so just practising for the language shift. We are only going for a few days but it will be good to have a change of scene. Doesn’t matter how long or short a period away from home, quite a lot of the preparation is the same. Nowadays, we have to be at the Tunnel at least an hour prior to departure. Gone are the days when it was a turn-up-&-go service which is a pity but understandable.

I don’t have many good qualities but I do have tenacity, doggedness, stickability. I don’t give in. Every morning since February 2020, I have completed a data return for the Zoe Health Study led by Professor Tim Spector of King’s College London. I have the app on my phone and complete my return every morning wherever I am in the world. It started as a Covid Survey but has now widened out to Diet and Fitness.

I often reflect that I am odd in being so persistent and I am amused when I find others who do the same and make me feel rather more normal. It was pleasing this morning to find my friend in North Yorkshire referring to the study and his ongoing involvement with it. Mind you, he is mad as a hatter! If you like data, contributing to a national study and are mad as a hatter which, of course, is a prerequisite to living in the North, you might enjoy downloading the app and joining a worthwhile movement.

Been a strange day. It opened wet and warm. We then had a lovely 4 hour spell of sunshine in which we did a walk. Just got back around 3.00 pm as light rain started to fall. Now, at 4.30 pm, the sky is darkening, heavy rain is falling and a strong breeze is bringing down the temperature. Yesterday, I wore clothes for the first time since April. Today, I am back in shorts & tee shirt. Taking both to France.

Tuesday, 28th November, 2023

Lovely, mild and bright morning with weak, Winter sunshine which followed a clear night sky of beautiful, full moon and bright array of stars. Couldn’t be better for a drive down to the Tunnel. My Butler‘s jobs include packing, making Breakfast, stacking the dishwasher and making herself look beautiful. I’ll leave you to decide the most difficult task there. My jobs include getting the technology – laptop, iPads, phones, shavers, toothbrushes and all the associated chargers plus multi-socket together and then packing the car plus setting up the automatic lighting throughout the house. Obviously my jobs are far more difficult and serious as befits men’s work.

The drive down to Folkestone was absolutely wonderful. The M25 was quiet and the M20 was deserted. We arrived at the LeShuttle, Folkestone about an hour early. The weather was wonderful and the carpark almost empty. We chose to relax and make the crossing at our booked time instead of the earlier train they offered us. When we did leave. We watched Greasy Gove at the Covid Inquiry on my iPad in the car on the train under the sea using my smartphone as internet source to provide the connection.

Rolling off about 1.00 pm (ET/12.30pm UKT), we drove to our hotel, checked into our suite and then went out to do some shopping.

Christmas has seriously hit the French shops. It looks as if they are trying to boost footfall by raising the advertising although there is no mention of Black Friday/Cyber Monday unlike UK.

The supermarkets are geared up to market their traditional wares. We walked round to find something for Dinner but I felt as if I was going through the motions. I’m not sure if I’m well enough for this. Pauline is worried about me and that is worrying me. She says I am looking drained and lifeless. My face and lips are white. I am feeling tired. I can’t give up but it is a struggle.

I was boosted to hear from friends. Julie in North Yorkshire sent me best wishes for my trip and a photo of the sunshine on her local beach. Kevin wished me a good trip and we discussed the drama Boat Story which I’ve been watching and advised him to follow. John Morris and JohnR wished me a good trip. Dave Weatherley in Bolton sent some photos. Got to keep going!

Wednesday, 29th November, 2023

Slept well and didn’t get up until just after 7.00 am (FT)/6.00 am (UKT). It is good to be away. It was quite cold here 4C/40F last night although it was -4C/25F in Greater Manchester and I can just feel the cruel chill from those streets. The TV news showed pictures of snow in Yorkshire – on the roofs in Scarborough of all places.

Breakfast was lovely and relaxed and then coffee before setting off out to a favourite place – Wissant. A beautiful, sunny day to walk down to the beach. First the sleepy market square.

This place only really comes alive in the height of Summer. Most of the beachside properties are holiday homes. Unfortunately, Summer isn’t that much better than Wales so that wouldn’t draw me. It is this Mediterranean-esque light and colour that I love.

Bright and sunny, lovely and deserted, we largely had the place to ourselves. It was market day in this sleepy hamlet and all eyes were drawn to the square and away from the sea.

Got back to the Hotel in time to watch Prime Ministers Questions. Sunak was murdered by Starmer and his own backbenchers. Out in the afternoon for Shopping. I have to become bag carrier as my Chamber Maid indulges her passion for clothes.

We visited the Channel Outlet Store which is mainly clothes shops but also some Chocolate, Coffee and Technology shops.

My job is distinctly secondary. My opinion is consulted at times but I’m not sure if my answers make any difference really. I am allowed to carry the bags which is something of an honour. See what you’re missing out on, Dear Reader.

Thursday, 30th November, 2023

It has taken just two nights for the time difference to be accepted by our sleep patterns. Actually, I didn’t sleep well myself but my friend did, thank goodness. I was listening to the radio on my phone for about 3 hrs from 4.00 am. It meant that we were up reasonably early and down to breakfast. Lazing around, reading newspapers and watching BBC News in our rooms. Out to Carrefour to buy fresh produce for the fridge and then drive to Eurotunnel.

It costs us just over £100.00 each way for car and people which is double what it was before the pandemic but still good value. We have to arrive an hour before departure but it only takes 35 mins to cross and we are off and straight on to the roads so it is really efficient and comfortable. Wouldn’t even consider a ferry at any price now.

We were early and they offered us an earlier train. At this time of year, they are only one per hour compared with three in the Summer. Even then, traffic is light. Import restrictions mean it is less popular all together. Even so, upstanding citizens like us are never searched so we feel free to ‘bend’ the rules to suit us. While travelling through the tunnel, we watched Matt Hancock floundering in the Covid Inquiry.

Because it only takes 35 mins to cross, you always drive off into the UK before you even left France. Our train was 1.50 pm from Coquelles and we arrived in Folkestone at 1.25 pm. It’s a great trick to keep young! As we drive off, our sat.nav. sets the clock back to UK time, our phones reset to UK time and synchronise with our watches to show UK time. My brain has to reset to drive on the left which becomes more difficult the older I get but soon we are on our way to do the 1hr 35 mins journey back home.

While we are driving, I turn the the heating on at home from the Hive app on my smartphone and listen to a politics podcast to wile away the time. While away, I tried to keep in contact with my friends. Kevin tells me he’s had his bandages removed and the surgery has gone well. Julie has been celebrating her Mother’s 95 birthday and dodging the snow. JohnR is busily organising ‘Carols by Candlelight’ at Fountains Abbey this weekend. He never stops with his good works. John Morris contacted me to reminisce over trips to Wissant. Sharing lives makes me happy. I wonder what you are doing this week, Dear Reader.

Friday, 1st December, 2023

Old year, new month. Happy December, Dear Readers. Hope it’s good for you and not too cold.

Down here on the South Coast, last night was crystal clear and bright with a brilliant sky of moon and stars. Quite cold, we dipped into -1C/31F for a while. There is just a hint of frost on the edges of the roofs this morning. Even so, it won’t be a shorts day.

In Greece, many people long for a period of rain after a Summer of scorching sun. Of course, when you don’t get much Winter, what people crave most of all is … Winter. In Brighton, it is artificially created. Once again, Brighton Pavilion is adorned with this magnificent ice skating rink.

It is hard to believe but the Blog is coming to the end of its 15th year next week. I am surprised as you, Dear Reader. I really didn’t think I would be alive this long. It makes achieving my targets in the next few months even more important. I will press on regardless towards my goals. In the end, you have to do what is important not what is right. There are so many things in my life that I need to correct that I may be detained here for another century.

Had to complete the Office for National Statistics Covid Survey this morning. They have sent us 14 monthly test packs to test ourselves and report on-line. It is a simple but helpful contribution to the cause. As two of the increasingly rare members of the nation who have never been infected, we hope to be making a useful intervention. This time, we are doing it for ‘free’.

Saturday, 2nd December, 2023

Not a cold night although that is relative. We went down to 2C/36F but it was far colder in other parts of the country. Just as well because, irony of ironies, last night we had a problem with our central heating boiler.

It is seven years old which is nothing for a modern boiler. It is twin phase and linked to two, Hive thermostats which control the upstairs and the downstairs separately. We have hardly used it since last April apart from for hot water but last night we decided we would need warmth in the Lounge. I put it on and felt the radiators some time later …. stone cold. I put the heating on upstairs and the boiler came on and heated the radiators immediately. Ironically, the boiler is called Ideal.

I am hopeless with anything like this but we have a British Gas maintenance agreement and they serviced it in March. At 9.00 pm last night, I contacted them and was told they would be out to fix it today before 6.00 pm. So, I am tied to the house until then. Trust us to have such a problem on the coldest week of the year so far. Fortunately, I’ve got an industrial strength fan heater I bought from Screwfix to heat the Gym before I had the radiators installed and that is filling in until Mr BG Serviceman arrives.

We have no frost but JohnR in North Yorkshire has. Thirsk this morning and I would definitely need full heating for that sort of weather.

Julie says it is thick ice outside her house and Kevin thinks he is suffering from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is quite a debilitating condition. Lots of people get it – many without knowing the cause. It is basically getting lack of sunlight to raise the mood. He didn’t seem to know about the lamps SAD sufferers can buy to compensate for lack of sunshine. I found one and he’s ordered it from Amazon already plus booked a holiday to Spain.

Joy of joys, the gas engineer has arrived at mid day and the problem is minor. Just as I predicted, it was a glitch in the Honeywell Motor 3. Had to be didn’t it. It took me no time to fix it and, of course, it was absolutely free apart from a cup of tea for the little man who came out to watch me sort it out.

Life is now (largely) back to normal. Radiators are hot, I’m back in my shorts and most things are alright with the world. I’m going to spend a couple of hours in the Gym but first I going to the Beach for some sunshine.

Lovely and quiet on the drive through town as if they haven’t been told of the build up to Christmas. The beach was warm and empty and enjoyable to walk on across the crunchy pebbles.

Sunday, 19th November, 2023

A new week. Everything changes but nothing changes. Plus ça change. Plus c’est la même chose. I haven’t changed.

A painful and uncomfortable day yesterday. I had to turn round it was so difficult. Don’t know why but it all felt as if it was deliberately engineered to cause pain. Made me review past times, ask myself what I had done wrong. I hate failure. I can’t accept it. I don’t want to be a bad person. My job is to make people happy.

I will never give up. I will always keep trying. I know I can be annoying but there will be a time when my tenacity will come through …. Non deficiere! Looking back over the mistakes, the misjudgements, the losses is how I assess life. Pauline and I talked it over last evening. Honesty is so important. We have almost agreed on our understanding of what happened and what I will do about it. It won’t be easy but it has to be faced.

After a sleepless night, I got up this morning knowing how to go forward. After Breakfast, I went down to the beach to clear my head and blow the thoughts away. It was incredibly warm. Battled down the coast road against a strong, onshore breeze.

Went into the Café on the Beach for a coffee but it was absolutely rammed and I couldn’t face the 30 mins queue for a table. Drove home to drink it in comfort. Have to spend home time in the Gym.. The targets have to be met. Non deficiere!

This Summer, it will be 10 years since we left our Greek home and left the wonderful, Cycladic island of Sifnos. If things go well for me, I am determined to return. It is in my DNA. Never leave the past behind. Always return to touch base!

Monday, 20th November, 2023

A horrible, horrible day. Dark, windy and very, very wet. Can you believe it, the window cleaner has turned up! I am hunkering down at home. The furthest I will stray is across the garden to the Gym. Can’t even face contacting friends today. I did receive a photo of a crash in Oldham last night which brought back all sorts of memories.

This was a car that crashed into an old, Nat.West building on the junction of Featherstall Road North and Middleton Road. It connected with me because I had gone into that bank in the past and we used it for kids doing Work Experience at one point. But just look at the dilapidation, and harshness of that wet, old street late at night in the North of England. Boarded up and crumbling, this building is a thing of the past. Like so much else, it has definitely seen better days.

At least it’s a warm day. I’m still living in shorts and tee shirt and have the fan on in the Office this morning. It is going to be a politics day. Such a delight to watch the Tories flounder through their final months of government, fighting like rats in a sack. The Times cartoon this morning shows a severely injured Sunak cobbling together the Plane of a Rwanda Policy with bits of wood while urging on his hapless Foreign Secretary, ironically named Cleverley, to pedal faster before they inevitably fall off the white cliffs off Dover.

Because I am so exciting, one of the things I am following today is the live broadcast of the Covid Inquiry. Today, it is Patrick Vallance whose diary notes include the observation that he considered Boris Johnson to be bi-polar, manic in his decision making rather like Cummings described him as a shopping trolley wildly veering all over the place. Johnson also had problems understanding and remembering the scientific concepts being explained to him.

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay …

Christina Rossetti, ‘Remember’ – 1861

I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but I have quite a good memory although it is not always conventional. I find that I remember lines of poetry and sections from novels that I haven’t read since the late 1960s. I tended to remember things best using rhythm. This doesn’t work for everyone. I can have a string of numbers – a telephone number, for example – rattled off to me and I can hold it in my head because I have received it with a rhythm which replays through my memory. I have an online calendar but I can hold dates and events for quite a while without referring to it. My wife says I have selective memory because I choose what I want to forget. I think we all do, don’t we?

Tuesday, 21st November, 2023

An overcast and cool day. Didn’t sleep well last night. Rather turning in upon myself although I had to respond to Jill’s lovely message asking after my welfare and I had to contact Kevin because he was going in to hospital for a second operation to straighten out his other hand. Like me, he got tired of waiting in the post-pandemic backlog and paid about £5,000 for his first operation. This second one is through the NHS and, when I contacted him, he had already been waiting for 4 hrs in a admission room without news of his procedure. Money makes all the difference to the ‘hotel’ conditions of the process if not the medical procedure itself.

Of course, no one can hide from the world completely and I have made so many connections that I can’t really retreat for long at all. I received a copy of the East Lothian Courier this morning. Not my usual reading but interesting none the less. I employed this girl to run the school’s Learning Resource Centre and great she was at it. Her husband, Steve, was employed in the School Office and her two daughters were pupils in school.

Unfortunately, the family were born with wanderlust and, after a few years, they moved on to a church in Derbyshire, a posting in the Falklands, managing a holiday rental business in the south of France, managing a farm in south Australia and now all the way up to Scotland. I missed them because they were just good people.

Going to France next week for a few days Christmas shopping. Be nice to get out of here and not hurting. Got to find a VPN (virtual private network) software to allow me to receive stuff on my laptop as if I am back in UK. I’m a bit disenchanted with my current Express VPN. Considering going back to NordVPN again. Anyone who has gone to a foreign hotel without VPN coverage will know of the pitfalls.

Wednesday, 22nd November, 2023

Lovely, sunny but cold morning. First thing over breakfast I like to touch base with friends. Asked Kevin about his night after a difficult and very painful operation. Just to cheer him up, I listed all the benefits of being incapacitated for a couple of weeks: No washing for a fortnight. No housework. Total slave service. … Seemed to work.

This morning, I’ve driven Pauline to Southlands Hospital, Shoreham-by-Sea for an appointment at the Dermatology Clinic. Recently, she found her first ever wrinkle on her neck and panicked. Hope they sort her out. It’s costing me a fortune in face cream!

Doing some walking outside while she has her neck massaged. Maybe she’ll get her face cream on prescription. Am I sounding heartless? I’m not really. I’m secretly panicking too. I can’t be married to someone with wrinkles!!

… Well, that was a revelation. The consultant told Pauline that it wasn’t unusual for the odd wrinkle to appear after the age of 70. Who’d have thought it? Free Face Cream on prescription … for life. This is going to save me a fortune. It will subsidise my wine bill. Even better this morning, the carpark was packed but a car was vacating the best position leaving it for us and, as they drove out, they handed us their ticket which covered our appointment. Can life get any better?

Thursday, 23rd November, 2023

My first thought when I wake is my last thought when I go to sleep. It has been the same for decades. I suspect it will stay with me until I die.

In my beginning is my end. Now the light falls
Across the open field, leaving the deep lane
Shuttered with branches, dark in the afternoon.

T. S. Elliot – Four Quartets

I was struck that these photographs of sunrise yesterday morning could just as easily have been ascribed to sunset in the evening. In my beginning is my end now the light falls.

I have been dogged by the domination of thought throughout my life. I live in my head a lot. My wife finds it very funny when I jump out of my skin as she walks, unannounced, into a room where I’m working. I find it embarrassing. It happens because I have to concentrate so intensely that I shut out the world completely. I lose sense of time. Often I forget to move at all and suddenly find I have cut off the blood supply and lost the feeling in my legs.

I have written before that we rarely now eat meat – perhaps once a week – and even more rarely buy processed food at all. Broke both those rules this morning when we went to our butchers and bought sausages to put in a dish of Cassoulet. Not just any old, supermarket sausages, of course. Our butcher makes wonderful sausages and we bought Gloucester Old Spot pork and Cumberland sausage. We could have had Venison and Lamb but pork is demanded for Cassoulet.

Got to clean the car ready for our French trip next week. I’ve been putting it off for weeks while I was driving to Brighton every day and feeling exhausted from the treatment. …..

….. It’s a beautiful, sunny and warm day and cleaning the car was actually quite enjoyable. It is about 9 months old and it’s only done about 4,500 miles. It is in its infancy and very easy to valet. I always do a leather treatment for the interior and sometimes use wheel and tyre treatments as well. All of these are supplied ‘free’ by Honda because they believe that examples of their cars being driven around in public looking good are the best advertisements. I have been buying and driving new Hondas for 40 years.

Friday, 24th November, 2023

Beautiful but chilly morning. Just to prove the point ….. In my beginning is my end … sunrise was glorious.

It is probably the same across the country. Julie reports bright but very cold on the North Yorkshire coast. JohnR says the same in Catterick and Kevin the same in Leeds. The one difference is that I’m the only one stupid enough to be walking round in shorts & tee shirt. Had to go down to the beachside to collect an order from the fishmongers.

I’ve had my haircut and beautiful I look, I have to admit. At least I don’t have to dye my hair. Going to France next week and it struck me that I go abroad more often than I visit places in UK. Haven’t been to London for quite a while.

In this week just over 10 years ago, we were staying in central London, shopping at Fortnum & Mason, Borough Market and snacking out at the Laduree on coffee and macarons. I must admit I’m not as comfortable in large cities as I am in the countryside but I love Covent Garden, the Opera House and the markets. London is an excitingly vibrant, multi-ethnic community with so much to offer. As long as you’ve got money, anything is possible.

The one thing it is hard to find is peace and solitude. Walking by the seashore down here in Sussex suits me better. OK, I might be boring but it is always best to admit the truth to oneself.

This afternoon, I have officiated in the final hour of a most beautiful creature. It has been enjoying a mild day of glorious sunshine, sipping the final flowers in the garden but, as the sun goes down and the temperature falls, he/she/it knows that all things come to an end. The struggle for life is at our core for all living things. A huge bumble bee took advantage of the open patio door and came into the warmth, to die. It was on its back and looked dead already. I lifted it with a tissue and it sprang back to life, righting itself and gripping the paper fiercely. Taking it out into the garden, I knew I was condemning it to certain death but there was no choice. Nature returning to nature.

In my beginning is my end now the light falls ……

Saturday, 25th November, 2023

Quite a cold night. We were down to 6C/43F at 4.00 am. Almost full moon and a sky full of stars last night. The weather is definitely changing. Winter is coming and warmth, friendliness and comfort is called for.

On this day, a couple of years ago, I received this from an old lady with limited digital skills. Bit shaky and out of focus, I know, but we have to make allowances for age. I remember thinking at the time, I could eat that! In fact, I have eaten dozens of those. Roast pheasant used to be a significant part of my diet.

Today, as I wrote a couple of days ago, meat like this doesn’t feature so much in our diet. Having said that, this morning, I am cooking a huge, Greek Beef Stifado. …. basically, beef stew with Mediterranean flavours. When it has had a day to mature, it will be portioned up and frozen for times when we need comfort food.

I think I’ve written before and you will have to forgive me for the repetition of an old man. When I was a child, we didn’t have a television. Not because we couldn’t afford one but because my parents were ideologically opposed to the idea. Much more important that the children concentrated on their school work, did their homework, didn’t get distracted by populist trash.

It wasn’t until I went home from College in the 1970s that I found a television had been installed and my Mother was already addicted to it. I do remember going to Grammar School where all the boys were discussing what they’d watched the night before and feeling totally left out. I think that’s why televisions and current affairs have been so important to me over the years. Our house has a television in every room apart from the bathrooms. Each of the 8 televisions is linked to Sky-Q so I can watch something in the Gym, pause it and carry on in the Office, pause it and carry on in the Lounge, pause it and finish it in the bedroom.

Today, I will be watching Spooks in the Gym while my Housekeeper will be watching Strictly Come Dancing in the Lounge. The day is so gorgeous and lonely that I had to go to the beach for the sunset. It was so beautiful, it made me weep. Think that we will have to leave this wonderful world! You should be here, Dear Reader, to share the utter joy and solitude of sunset on the Sussex coast.

Sunday, 12th November, 2023

A dark, dank, lonely morning. In the Office, watching political interviews. They are depressing other than for the latest opinion poll featured in The Sunday Times.

The election is likely to be this time next year but there could be a snap, Summer election if the Tories feel like they have a ‘window’. It’s going to be an interesting year for all sorts of reasons.

In the meantime, we have an Autumn Statement from the Chancellor to come soon and I am hoping to hear that he is actually going to make changes to ISAs. I’m always amazed how little people know about such things. Currently, we are only allowed to earn £1000.00 per year of investment income. So a couple can only make £2000.00 per year tax-free. Everything else just gets aggregated into all other income for tax purposes.

ISAs are the one, safe exception. They allow us to invest without tax liability. Unfortunately, that investment is limited to £20,000.00 per person per year. So only £40,000.00 per couple per year can be sheltered. It can be in the form of Cash, Bonds or Shares. For the past few years, returns on cash ISAs have been so poor as to be not worth the effort but now all that has changed. The best ISAs are paying 5.7%. The only problem is that we have to wait a full 12 months (from April 6th – New Tax Year) before the next £40,000.00 can be salted away.

It is rumoured that ISAs will be made more accessible which will be very welcome. Apparently, the idea is that the Chancellor wants to suck cash out of circulation to restrain spending and lower inflation. I will welcome it. It won’t make me vote Tory though.

Went out to Sainsburys to buy Pauline’s Christmas present this morning. I think it’s £42.00 well spent. What more could a woman want? She will cherish them for years.

Monday, 13th November, 2023

Lovely warm and sunny day. Sleeping for me (and with me) is quite troubled still. Although I think the effects of the hormone injections are starting to lessen with certainly less hot sweats, I’m a nightmare laying awake in bed. My thoughts drive me mad. I resort to distraction with the radio. What always surprises me is that I don’t wake up tired and it doesn’t affect my day. The effects of the radiotherapy which arrived after the first two weeks of treatment, are rather stronger and increasingly accentuated. I’m told that I can expect them to get worse for some time.

It will be two years in February since I had a colonoscopy which I had to pay for. I wrote to my GP after that to be asked to be put forward for an NHS procedure in February 2024 because the Nuffield consultant told me I should be checked every two years. I’ve written to my doctor today to ask if she has done that. We haven’t talked for over a year although I have seen other GPs in my surgery. I do try hard to take responsibility for my own health, exercising, dieting, self-testing, etc, although I’m sure there is much more I could do. My doctor recognises this and responds very positively.

I am happy to speak on the phone, to do a video consultation, to avoid making excessive calls on her time and I think I get treated well because of that. Of course, lots of the elderly are not comfortable doing what I will. The illustration above is from The Telegraph this morning.

This is the problem that all innovation faces. Almost 30 years ago, I drove the introduction of IT across the procedures of School management in a large, Comprehensive school. First we threw out all the typewriters and replaced them with word processors. Next, I introduced the school to the early internet. I had wi-fi installed right across a huge campus and I bought in hand held devices for teachers to do registration in an attempt to catch truants from school and from lessons.

As soon as I could afford it, I bought rooms of computers firstly to teach I.T. and then to do general research, document production, etc. Finally, I spent a long time researching and purchasing intranet software that allowed staff to work seamlessly at home and school and allowing pupils to do the same, allowing parents to monitor, communicate, integrate with the life of the school.

Throughout, I faced opposition from many quarters. Staff lacked the skills and the confidence to acquire them. Pupils and their parents lacked the equipment, the internet and the finance to provide them at home. Everything had to be done as a battle with carrot and stick. Eventually, we got there but far too late for me. So it is in the Health Service. Through I.T., bookings, appointments, prescriptions and Remote Consultations, doctors’ time is freed up.

This is the future forcing its way into the present and we should all leave our minds open to the change that will inevitably come. Don’t get left behind. Don’t celebrate being the out-of-touch old. Celebrate being alive by reaching out to the new, Dear Reader. Retirement can be an increasingly lonely place without embracing the Future.

Tuesday, 14th November, 2023

A very warm morning of rain. Talking to friends around the country, it looks as if the only question is where you decide to drown today, Dear Reader.

I had to brave it because things were needed from Tesco, Asda and Sainsburys this morning. So much is missing from supermarket shelves that this sort of tour is often required especially if you’re a perfectionist like my Housekeeper. I made a complaint out loud to myself when I couldn’t find something I wanted. A couple of women openly laughed in agreement as if the whole scarcity problem has become so accepted that it is a wry joke. Only a reversal of Brexit will ultimately improve supply chains.

One of the more discussable side effects of my radiotherapy is terrible tiredness, crushing, physical tiredness. I have to haul myself through my exercise routine because I do not give up. You might have heard that before, Dear Reader. I do not give up. It is 1.30 pm and I am going in the Gym for a couple of hours. The only way I can face it at the moment is the long-running, MI5 spy drama series I am watching called Spooks. I was a bit daunted to find that it runs to 10 series and 86 episodes but now I’m hooked.

I am becoming a little concerned by these side effects, not least because I’m driving to France in a couple of weeks. I’ve also booked some fairly demanding European trips next year. I may have to review them nearer the end of the year if things haven’t improved. At least I am fully insured although my current condition is costing me quite a bit extra in premium. For many years, our travel insurance has come free and unlimited courtesy of our Bank Account. When we turned 70, we were subject to a £75.00 ‘age extension’ excess each on our Annual premium. Now, I have to pay an additional £195.00 for the magic word, ‘Cancer’. So our ‘free’, Annual Travel Insurance, we will be charged at £345.00.

Well, by 2.00 pm, the sun came out warm and strong and we went out for a walk. Met a couple we see regularly, stopped and chatted. They asked after my treatment and then volunteered the information that the husband was going to Brighton Cancer Centre every day for 5 weeks for radiotherapy on a brain tumour which had affected his peripheral vision and deprived him of his driving licence. Made my problem seem so totally irrelevant.

Wednesday, 15th November, 2023

Lovely, sunny morning. Driving to Town down the beach road and past the Worthing Pier. It was delightful. We were going to Waitrose amongst other places. Warm and sunny but quite blustery, I was in shorts & tee-shirt although quite a few of the old people were dressed for Winter.

The beach path is lifted above the road on one side and above the beach on the other to avoid the problems of High Tide. You can’t really view the sea from the road.

I stopped for a few minutes on the promenade. It’s great to breathe the sea air. You should have come, Dear Reader. We drove on to Waitrose carpark but the news coming through from the Supreme Court about the Rwanda Plan verdict and, knowing that PMQs was coming up, we did a quick shop and drove home.

Pauline is one of the healthiest people I have ever met. She is very fit and takes no medication. Like me, she does like to check her blood pressure each a day and I have created a spreadsheet to record the readings. Yes, I know, I’m an incorrigible Romantic.

To help, I’ve also ordered her a wristband monitor that continually provides blood pressure and heart rate data. She can consider that a supplementary Christmas present.

Thursday, 16th November, 2023

It is pouring with rain this morning. Looked out and thought I was in Wales! I’m not going to be straying very far from the house today. This morning, I am talking to a variety of friends from my Office. Looks like my Friends in the North have better weather.

It’s surprising to me how often people from my past drift across my mind in the early, sleepless hours. I was talking to an old friend yesterday about a lad called Alan who I haven’t seen for more than 50 years. Alan was a mild-mannered, thoughtful and intelligent young Geordie. His party piece was singing Gene Pitney songs, particularly 24hrs from Tulsa which he did on request. I didn’t have much connection with him other than playing football together but I have often thought about him.

My friend, JohnR, was meeting an old student in a pub in North Yorkshire and just happened to say he hadn’t seen Alan, like me, for 51 years. At that very moment, Alan and his wife walked in to the pub for Lunch. I just love such coincidences whether they are engineered or pure happenstance. At the distance of time and geography, we are sharing our retirement and adding a dimension that would otherwise be lost. I learnt this morning that Alan had moved back to live in Ripon, hadn’t done much teaching but had gone into the building trade. I would never have predicted that.

Talked to Julie this morning who is spending her days going to photography clubs, screen printing classes, the gym and swimming pool. Today, she told me she was putting her house on the market and looking for a new one to accommodate her aging mother as well. Kevin is biking and swimming and playing his collection of guitars but has to go for a second operation on the other hand next week so is going to be out of action from his hobbies for a while. JohnR is touring the North of England giving talks on his experiences as a Primary Headteacher and eating curry until it comes out of his ears. I had to tell him, I absolutely hate curry. Give me Mediterranean cooking every time, Dear Reader, please.

There is a chill wind today and my wife insists she’s got absolutely nothing to wear to combat the cold. She needs a ‘Fleece’. When we get to the shop – Mountain Warehouse – no sooner has she found one she likes but there is another just as good. We leave with two after having to hold her down from buying matching hats. Who cares as long as she’s happy. I always tell her that it’s all her money anyway so spend it.

Now, the rain has at last stopped and we are going out to test one. She will be dressed for Winter and I will be dressed for Summer. She will perspire and I will shiver but those are our choices. We continue to march through retirement trying to extract as much enjoyment out of it as we can, enjoying the people around us and connected to us, sharing our lives as vicariously as we can.

Friday, 17th November, 2023

An absolutely wonderful morning of crystal blue skies and strong, low, autumnal sun. There are very few things missing from this morning. Up early and out to the Rustington Butcher’s and the Littlehampton Fishmongers. Skirt of Beef for a Greek Stew and a kilo of locally caught Squid. The freezers are bulging.

Mid-November. You would expect it to be cold, harsh and aggressive. Quite the opposite. It is mild, inviting and delightful.

Took the opportunity to go down to the beach as the tide came in. What a great time with warm air and few people. If only we could invite just the people that we want and exclude the rest.

Although we’ve been dashing around all day, I’ve still got an hour to do in the Gym. Fortunately, I’ve still got more than 60 episodes of my spy thriller to complete so I’m looking forward to it.

I have never been a fan of Monarchy. I have always supported Republicanism. This week, we have an unelected Prime Minister asking an unelected King to make an unelected man a peer so he can become an unelected Foreign Secretary. It is absolutely appalling. Having said that, I found that I really enjoyed the Netflix production of The Crown which has returned to our screens this week. We watched the first two episodes last night. They dealt with divorce and relationship with Dodi Fayed leading to Diana’s death in Paris.

Watched the first two episodes last night. It is our history. I remember as clearly as yesterday coming back from the Greek island of Symi on 31st August 1997. Waking up in Quarry Court, West Yorkshire to the news that she was dead. Had always held out hope that she would engineer the downfall of the monarchy in UK.

Over 25 years ago, we rented a villa on top of the hill to the right and behind the church with the plum coloured dome for a month in August. I was aged 46, very slim in small, white shorts and I ran up the 200+ steps to the property. Where does it all go? I remember waking up on the Monday morning and being shocked to hear on the radio by my bed the news of her death. It was shocking but not shocking. The State had triumphed again.

Saturday, 18th November, 2023

I’ve pre-prepared this, Dear Reader, and I apologise for that. Just didn’t know if I would be near a computer to write it this weekend. A bit busy.

Tomorrow is International Men’s Day. It is something I have advocated for years. I don’t have a problem promoting Women’s issues – well, some women – especially medical ones but I’ve always felt it marginalised men. Nothing could highlight this more than the latest announcement on prostate cancer.

I’ve have had quite a number of tests over the years since I was in my 50s. None had been conclusive although, if my results a couple of years ago had been taken more seriously, I might have caught this cancer earlier. Now a new screening trial is being assessed prior to rolling the process out nationwide. The problem with the blood test is that it throws up so many false positives/negatives as to be almost useless unless they are done often and regularly which would make huge demands on the NHS. Now an annual MRI scan offered to all men in the risk cohort could reduce these concerns and identify problems early. This is the sort of focus a Men’s day can provide.

We men have to start fighting back! Have a lovely day.

Sunday, 5th November, 2023

A gorgeous, gorgeous morning. It is missing something essential but I will sort that out soon. After breakfast, I drove my wife into Worthing Town to buy some items from M&S and go on to Boots.

It is all by the sea so I took the opportunity to walk on the beach. It was quite delightful, as you can see.

Lovely, warm morning so we went down the pier. It was quite busy this morning. Walkers, Fishermen, Tourists, Breakfasters, all enjoying the day. There is a lovely restaurant at the end of the pier which is receiving rave reviews. We might celebrate the end of my treatment with a meal there.

The show at the end of the pier goes on and will do until we die. Our task is to prolong that moment for another 30 years isn’t it Dear Reader? As long as my treatment comes to a positive conclusion, I intend to work hard to get fitter, better, more worthy of life.

My Mother-in-Law worked hard to reach 96. My friend, Julie’s Mother looks full of life at the age of 95. I really want to emulate these people and I wish it for you too, Dear Reader. Let us go forward together!

Neither a borrower nor a lender be …

Shakespeare’s Hamlet – Polonius to his departing son, Laertes

In the Elizabethan era, borrowing and usury were probably dirty words. Certainly the treatment of Shylock in The Merchant of Venice suggests that. In the modern world few people get through their lives without borrowing – at least for a house purchase. Speculate to accumulate is the modern mantra.

It is a lovely state to arrive at when we no longer need to borrow anything but can afford to lend to those in need. We feel incredibly lucky to have arrived at that state. And yet, I never carry money. I haven’t written a cheque for years. I don’t know where the nearest bank branch is. We have multiple credit cards provided by our bank and everything is bought with them through our smart phones. The important thing is never fail to pay off the card account at the end of the month because interest rates are ruinous. We have never in the whole of our marriage paid credit card rates. Who would want to borrow at a rate of 18.276%. Pity those who feel they have no other choice.

Monday, 6th November, 2023

Up early for (hopefully) my final week of radiotherapy. I say hopefully because who knows whether it will have worked or not. I will not know until the end of December. Will there be fireworks of celebration? There were on Worthing Pier last night on a crystal clear night.

Just completed Session 17/20. Thank you for your support! This one was a strange one. I was timed for 10.00 am and arrived an hour early as usual to drink a litre of water. Went in and registered and then just sat there for half an hour absolutely bursting for relief.

It turns out, some lunatic had fallen off the scanner bed and injured his leg. He hadn’t realised that, as soon as he got on and lay down, the bed automatically raised and he ended up falling from a great height. He was brought, hobbling, into the waiting room and there was a delay while they mopped up the blood. I was able to hold myself together and avoid flooding the treatment room.

Tuesday, 7th November, 2023

Beautifully sunny day of clear blue sky. Out of my routine this morning. Don’t have to be at the Cancer Centre until 2.00 pm so it feels strange. Didn’t sleep well at all but still up early. It is weird not to be preparing to set off after a month of doing just that.

I always find things like that interesting. Many people hate changes to their routines. I feel quite energised by it. I’m going to cut all the lawns this morning and tidy up the flower beds.

We can get quite tied in to our routines and organisations. They see us through our times. This is especially true in marriage. If you are anything like me, we negotiate and separate functions and then rarely question the responsibilities. So often and even now, they favour men. I am as guilty as any about that but I do like to learn new skills. How to use the microwave, the washing machine, the dishwasher, the second oven. How to make bread, cook steak, filet fish. These are all interesting novelties to learn in the relaxation of retirement.

But it’s the mundane things that we rather take for granted. I love gadgets. I love the way gadgets improve my routines. I am what is known as an early adopter. We have to have the latest gadget first. There are downsides to that. I remember getting a mobile phone 30 years ago when we were living in Yorkshire and suddenly realised we couldn’t get a signal at home. I had to drive a mile away to the nearest mast to make a phone call. Lunacy, I know, but I wasn’t put off. And guess what happened to mobile phones. They became ubiquitous. They added Texting, photography, internet and data transfer. They are our essential companion.

I have been shaving for 50 years. It is one of those morning routines that most men and some women take for granted. It can be irritating – literally. Recently, I bought a new, quite expensive shaver. It has changed my early mornings. It has taught me how to shave properly after all these years.

It was made for me because it has a mobile phone app which links to my shaver and monitors, guides and reviews my shaving each morning. I am rewarded with, You are a shaving Ninja. Which man could ask for more? It has a self cleaning pod of shaving balm which has an automatic routine that takes exactly the right length of time for me to clean my teeth with my electric toothbrush. Don’t you just love electric toothbrushes? I took one to a Greek island to introduce my friend to the concept. He wasn’t immediately convinced. It’s all in the mind. Keep it open to change and the improvement will come, Dear Reader.

Wednesday, 8th November, 2023

Penultimate Radiotherapy session. It had been raining heavily over night. The drive featured lots of standing water hazards. My day has been full of conflicting emotions – elation & sadness. In the waiting room this morning, I met lots of familiar faces on this cancer journey. They knew I hadn’t far to go and were congratulating me as if I had achieved something. I haven’t! I’ve just turned up, taken my pants down and had my body irradiated. That is not the hard bit. Has it worked? That is my concern.

My journey has been around 8 months. In that time, I’ve had hormone injections and a month of Radiotherapy. I won’t go into the side effects because they are unpleasant but I can cope with the physical effects. It is the psychological/emotional side that have been particularly difficult. Fortunately, I have been tirelessly supported by my wife and some friends. They have been so important. Talking to others going on this same journey, I realise that I’m not so unusual but I have been on the verge of tears many times in the past few months.

Met a man in the waiting room this morning who had been on hormone treatment and waiting for radiotherapy for 15 months. Another was tested at PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) 15.0 whereas mine was only 7.5. After hormone treatment he had reduced to PSA = 12.00. I had gone down to 0.35. I am obviously much luckier than many others. What a lovely team of Irish blondes I’ve been treated by!

Drove home via the beach road. Sunbathing would have been nice today ….. if it wasn’t for the driving fine rain. At least it is warm down here. I’ve now got a couple of hours in the Gym. I’m cooking our meal tonight and then have to prepare for my last session. You realise when you’re faced with it that all of this is so much wider than our parochial routine and more important than any game.

Thursday, 9th November, 2023

Beautiful, sunny day with clear, blue sky after torrential rain over night. Quite appropriate because it has finally arrived. Today is my final day of radiotherapy which has gone on for a long, lonely month. The champagne is in the wine-fridge chilling for Lunchtime, a tin of Celebrations is in the car to give to the girls who have seen me through the process. It will all be over by 11.30 am. Perhaps we can get back to real life and start travelling again. I have a lot of people to see.

Two years ago today, long before any inkling of cancer, a time when masks were expected on planes and in public, I was in Athens blithely going about my days of self indulgence and enjoyment. Nice things were happening in my life. Can’t wait to go back.

Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;

T. S. Elliot – The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

I have a PSA test booked for the week before Christmas prior to meeting my Consultant on December 29th. That will be a big meeting …. for me.

Well, I arrived early for my last session. Sitting in the carpark listening to a political podcast, I received a phone call from inside the building advising me that there would be a delay. A machine had broken down. They would advise me of a new time. The time is crucial because I need to drink a litre of water 40 mins before the treatment. Drink too late and I have to wait. Drink to soon and I’m in agony throughout the treatment. Fortunately, because it was my last one, the girls got me in close to time and everything went alright.

Lots of congratulations from the team of Irish blondes who had looked after me. I gave them a big tin of sweets to thank them for their services. It is strange after a full month of intimate contact that I will probably not see any of them again. That goes against all my instincts. I can’t leave significant people from my life behind. I will always go back if only one more time. And so, I will revisit them if only to say thank you properly.

When I have finished my treatment, I always dash to the toilet to empty an uncomfortable bladder. I did the same today but found myself instantly crashing and weeping at the emotion of the process end. I know that there are those who who will see me as a wimp, self indulgent and soft. I couldn’t care less. I let out a month’s worth of emotions quite easily. As I left for the car, my true friends contacted me wishing me well and safe journey home. The central feeling was anticlimactic.

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

T. S. Elliot – The Hollow Men

Back home, we opened a bottle of champagne and drank it with cheese and biscuits. Now I am writing to thank the girls who supported me through the process. They know me like few others ever will and I will always be grateful to them.

Quite a salutary lesson learned when I arrived back in the waiting room. Two gentlemen waiting – one to go down and one to go home. Both would take the best part of their day for this process. I drove an hour each way in my luxurious car, quietly alone. They waited for hospital transport to pick them up, deliver them, return to collect and take them home again. Lovely people struggling through their days. Me at home long before them drinking champagne and relaxing. In that context, I am a lucky man!

Friday, 10th November, 2023

A new day. Happy Friday, Dear Reader. Life restarts …. and it is a lovely day down at the beach. Everything seems possible. Everything seems infinite. Nothing will be forgotten or let go.

Freedom Day is celebrated with champagne and crisps. What better than Duck & Plum? Actually, as it turns out, many things are better but not these.

Sometimes things are wonderful even if others in the back of my mind are falling into the mists for a while. Nothing is for ever but everything will come to pass when we least expect it ….

The beach was glorious today, bright, warm and infinite. Oh, Dear Reader, I would love to show you my beach. Today it was filled with dreams …. Age comes to us all. Sooner or later we will seek solace in our friends. In the crashing of the waves and the warmth of the sun, we will remember them.

Saturday, 11th November, 2023

A cold night – by far the coldest of the year so far. We went down to 4C/39F. On mornings like this one feels so grateful for a well insulated home. We are not sleeping in a tent on the street or wrapped in newspaper. Can you imagine it? We may have to start putting the heating on soon!

Actually, over Breakfast, I download and read the newspapers – The Times, The Telegraph and The Guardian. When I wrote the phrase, wrapped in newspaper, I immediately thought, I haven’t bought a newspaper for years. I do see the ‘old people’, Brexiteers, shuffling down to the newsagents for their copies of the Daily Express & Daily Mail. Maybe they donate these colour comics to the homeless.

I bought a new case for my iPad which was delivered this morning. It effectively converts the ‘pad’ into a laptop with a keyboard which I can Blog on with ease. It came from Amazon and cost £150.00 which is a small price to pay for the conversion facilities.

While I am reading the newspapers, I am communicating and sharing ideas, cartoons, thoughts and just general chat with friends, relatives and neighbours. This morning I was sharing a conversation with my neighbours on either side – De & Jay and Jill & John – but also with my sister, Cathy, my friends, JohnR, Kevin and Julie and a couple of ex-colleagues from school. Mainly, they were enquiring about my current health after completing the radiotherapy and wishing us a good weekend.

John was spending his Saturday driving a minibus to take elderly and disabled people around the grounds of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. He does it most weeks and in the most inclement weather. Today, it was obviously lovely.

Went out for a walk in the sunshine this afternoon for the first time in a while. Lovely and warm, bright and relaxing. I have things to be resolved over the next few weeks, things that keep me awake in the small hours of the morning but this was a respite from thinking them through constantly. I am fighting hard to keep my exercise going. Going to spend an hour in the Gym this evening. I am feeling incredibly lethargic at the moment. I’m restricting my food intake to shed this extra weight I’ve gained through the hormone treatment. Looking forward to feeling ‘normal’ again.

Sunday, 29th October, 2023

I remember, I remember,
The house where I was born …

Thomas Hood 1827

I was reading of lots of flooding in the East Midlands over the past few days. I immediately thought of my past. I am from the East Midlands and Repton Road connecting the village with Derby on one side went past St Wystan’s, The Anglo-Saxon abbey church, over the River Trent on what is now a Grade 2 listed bridge. There were notable occasions when the Trent breached its banks and the village was cut off.

Derby Live sent stories of flooding this week but my brothers and sisters will know that the only photo I could find is out of date. It is looking across the Trent floodplain to Willington where the power station has been demolished for some time.

The Grade 2 Bridge has been damaged though and villagers are up in arms about a botched repair which they are being told is temporary. I’m afraid it is village politics like this that I was glad to escape.

No escaping the rain, though. It is a watery world even down here. Yesterday, the Worthing Firework display and carnival was called off hours before it was due to start because of heavy rain forecast and they were proved right. The evening and night brought torrential rain. Hastings – just 50 miles down the coast was completely flooded. Suddenly, after 7 months exercising largely outside in the sunshine, it feels strange to be back in the Gym watching films.

We have our own park pond at the moment. About a mile down the road where I walk most days, the huge grassy area popular for sunbathing and picnics, is currently a boating lake although it’s more popular with seagulls today.

Monday, 30th October, 2023

Slept well last night. Strange but I woke up with the solution to a problem that has been dominating my mind for a few weeks. I tend to be rather impulsive but I am also rational. These are opposing tensions. I have spent weeks thinking it through, rationalising something which, ultimately, I will swallow hard and do. I woke up this morning knowing what the answer is although I will hold back for a couple of days and then act. It feels decided.

Day 12 of my Radiotherapy and schools were back so the ‘school run’ again. Traffic was noticeably more. I am getting a bit more blasé about the routines which is dangerous because it is important not to treat it too casually. I have to keep reminding myself that it is very serious. I am dealt with my a rotating team of about 8 pairs of Irish girls. I am getting to know their personalities which is something I don’t want to do. They are all chatty and welcoming. I am unusually disengaged. Home by 11.15 am and then life carries on.

We needed fresh vegetables from Sainsburys. Broccoli, at the moment is delicious and flavoursome. Well, it would be if you could buy it. I’m hooked on it. We went on Friday, Saturday and again today and still no broccoli …. and very few tomatoes. Apparently, ours come from Europe now but a shortage over there means little is being transported to us outsiders. Brexit, the gift that keeps giving!

Afternoon in the Gym. Got to keep fighting. Watching a British Spy serial called Spooks at the moment. There are 86 episodes so I will probably not complete it but it is taking my mind off things. Actually, the Covid Inquiry on Sky News is almost as gripping. Fascinating to watch Party Marty try to bluff his way through a non-explanation of why he deleted his Whatsapp conversations when the Inquiry was announced. They are all so entitled they think they can just busk it.

Tuesday, 31st October, 2023

Heavy rain over night. Didn’t sleep well but had fallen into a lovely dream that I was woken from at 5.45 am by the radio coming on. Dry and warm this morning. Last day of October for the world. Day 13 for me. Have to be in Brighton for 8.40 am.

Got there late because the traffic was awful. Tuesday is definitely the new Monday as work from home has become established. Just had time to drink a litre and a half of water before going in. I’ve said that I try to be withdrawn and impersonal as much as I can during this process. I’ve noticed that others tend to be very chatty, unusually jovial and rather over the top. The girl who tends to me more than any other asked me how many sessions I had had. I told her this was the 13th and I hoped it would be lucky.

She said immediately, Ah, yes. God willing. I told her that I didn’t believe in God. She said, Surely, John, you must have faith. I told her that the only faith I had was in Medical Science. I said, You must be a good, Irish Catholic. She agreed she was. I told her my Mother was. It was the first personal information I had volunteered so far. I slightly regretted it.

It’s strange but, although I don’t like to share my feelings with the radiotherapy staff who are asking about them, I feel happier sharing, in fact the need to share, with friends from a distance.

Incredible to think it is November tomorrow. So warm and beautiful down at the beach where I went after driving home. Quite a few people down there doing the same thing. One or two people out on the sea in sailing boats. Near the shore, the cancelled Bonfire was being burned down and woodsmoke scented the sea air.

This evening, our neighbours, whose children are in their early teens now, were preparing for a party. Halloween is a concept that escapes me. Mind you, Christmas largely does as well.

Wednesday, 1st November, 2023

Happy new month to all my readers. Hope the Winter treats you well and remains warm. A terrible night for me last night, thanks for asking. Hardly slept.

Up early for a drive through torrential rain and strong winds to Brighton Cancer Centre. It took double the normal time because of awful traffic. It was 16C/61F all night but wet. Today is so unreliable that I will be in the Gym for a few hours this afternoon.

In the Treatment waiting room, I met a man who was on his last session of 20. Four years older than me, he was from Staffordshire like me and was suffering many of the side effects that I am. He has the same consultant and is exhausted from the treatment. He looked exhausted and is really struggling emotionally at the end of his treatment.

Today was the day of the College Reunion for the first men’s cohort that I was in. They are all in their early to mid 70s. Kevin & JohnR were there to represent me and Kevin arranged a video call so that I could join in when I got home. Said Hello to Kevin, John ‘Tash’ Coates, Chris Tolley, Dave Weatherly, John Morris, Andy Henderson, Derek Coulson, Peter Holgate, Dave Roberts in the Scarborough Hotel, Leeds. At least they didn’t ghost me.

I’ve never been there but I was quick to see the irony that they boasted Ind Coopes Burton Beers. Between 1962 – 1968, I went to Burton Grammar School in the shadow of Ind Coopes Pale Ale Brewery. The odour of hops drifted across the Trent valley although I was more fixated on the Girls’ Grammar School at the time.

Thursday, 2nd November, 2023

A warm night of violent winds and torrential rain. The garden had been rearranged by 6.00 am this morning. Fortunately, a quick check suggested no real damage. Even so, I decided to go to Brighton especially early because I don’t want to miss a session. There was a lot of deep, standing water on the roads but there was almost no traffic. People had clearly decided to stay at home. I got there 90 mins early. I went in early and drove home through light traffic arriving almost before I was originally meant to go in. All days should be like this.

Went down to the beach to see what the effect of the storm had been. Sea foam had covered the beach road over night along with half of the beach.

I didn’t get to Yorkshire yesterday although I will have to go North very soon to sort things out. My friend, Kevin, very kindly video conferenced me to the meeting so I could say Hello to all those people I haven’t met up with since 1972. It was delightful. Because we were the first men (boys) in the College history and such a small number in a community of women, we formed a more insular bond. Well, that’s the theory. I’m not completely sure it was true. Certainly, I spent more of my time with girls than boys but that’s another story.

I have to admit that it’s shocking to see how old we are. I suppose it is more in the attitude than the body now.

Friday, 3rd November, 2023

Day 16 of treatment. Finish on Thursday next week if all goes well. The bad news I received today was that the side effects continue and get worse for a month after treatment stops. The lovely Irish blonde who is treating me welcomed me with, Happy Friday. I returned the greeting with, Happy World Jellyfish Day. The BBC World Service announced at 4.00 am that there was a vast increase in jellyfish because of warming waters and today was their day. I must admit, Aisling didn’t look over impressed but I have that effect on girls.

In this week in 2010, we were still in Oldham. Pauline’s Mum had died and Pauline scattered her ashes in the Memorial Gardens of the Crematorium.

We had been retired for about 18 months but we were still getting many demands from our old school. In this same week in 2010, we received 5 separate requests from people in or connected to school. I had a man I had appointed just wanted to talk, a man who I had been training wanting further guidance, a female teacher and a girl ex-pupil wanting references. Pauline had a visit from the police to discuss a domestic abuse case she had dealt with more than a year ago.

At the same time, we were keen to move on. We were urgently looking for properties to buy in the south of England although we really weren’t sure where. We were driving to our Greek home each Spring and back in the Autumn so I wanted to be closer to the Eurotunnel. I had initially thought that Kent would be best but my Chef/Cleaner really didn’t fancy it. I began to move round the South Coast to East Sussex. We visited many sites but none grabbed her. They all looked rather last century and a bit seedy. Her family had graduated from Oldham to Surrey and that is where we finally found a property which lasted us for 5 years.

I have to admit that Surrey never really attracted me and, as soon as I could, I escaped to Sussex which I absolutely love. My one regret is it has taken me away from friends – people who give me joy in my life. Just means I have to revisit more often. For those Blog readers who knew me in the past, perhaps went to college with me, I thought it would be nice to feature a figure from the past. Someone who has not been seen by anyone since 1972 turned up at the reunion this week.  He was a ’Mature’ student but a very pleasant one. I have to admit, I wouldn’t have recognised Bill Walker if I’d been there. Probably, he wouldn’t have recognised me.

I hardly recognise myself at the moment. Two or three years ago, you wouldn’t have caught me watching films at all. Then, during Lockdown, I started to watch historically and politically based films in the Gym. I found they really helped to while away the time as I exercised. In the past week, I’ve watched a couple of RomComs with my wife and quite enjoyed them. Last night, Love at First Sight really held my interest. It was actually quite moving. Must be going soft in old age!

Saturday, 4th November, 2023

The local Rugby Club which is about two fields away from us made the brilliant decision to hold its Firework Display last night. It was cool but bright and dry. I’m a little past fireworks but the night sky was lit up for a couple of hours with delightful shooting stars of blue, red, green & gold. Over night, under a piercingly clear sky of stars and moon, the temperature dropped to 4C/39F by 1.00 am but had risen to 11C/52F just 3 hours later as the rain came across.

I had a strange night of dreams. I saw myself as a student in a sheepskin waistcoat/gilet. I inherited it from a passing stranger and wore it for months. I think I believed it made me look ‘hip’. It was grubby and smelly but ‘cool’. The person who bequeathed it – a hairy midget – was half my size so it was never a good fit but what we do for ‘fashion. I don’t know what happened to it but it still exists in my memory. Might expand on those memories in future Blogs.

I am often brought up sharply by photographs of the past. This black & white snap was taken about half a mile from my ‘flat’ in Oldham and only 5 years before I arrived. It looks like a scene out of The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.

I always saw the College males as ‘boys’ not ‘men’. Seeing them pictured a few days ago, the reverse has to be true. Where has it gone? Has it gone? Can it be retrieved? I will do every thing I can to hang on. Must visit Dave Weatherley in Bolton very soon.

One of the things that this treatment programme has done for me is reinstate That Friday Feeling that I lost in retirement. Yesterday, we opened a bottle of champagne in the afternoon. This morning, after an unsettled night, I stayed in bed until 7.00 am. Actually, I was finding it difficult to face the world. Rain was still falling heavily. It may have been a warm world but it wasn’t inviting. Farewell cruel world!

You would be forgiven for forgetting what a cynical, cold world it is. Those who you thought were on your side turn out quite the opposite. Yesterday, I received a touchingly intimate email from my Tory MP …. Fortunately, Boundary Changes mean he won’t be it for long even if he survives the election.

Looking forward to getting this treatment over so we can start travelling again both in and outside the country. Just 5 years ago, we were renting a villa in Tenerife for a couple of months and enjoying the warm sunshine. Need to find some more soon.

Sunday, 22nd October, 2023

A beautiful morning after a sad day. A day of loss. That is how life goes. There is always an upside but you have to see it. I am going out in shorts and tee shirt in warm – almost hot – sunshine under blue skies to get on with my life.

Yesterday was a sad day for lots of reasons. For example a boyhood hero, Bobby Charlton died at the age of 86. When you are 10 or 15 years old, the age of 86 seems like forever. When you are 72, it makes one reflect on one’s own longevity and what one still needs to achieve.

It was a sad day for England cricket who were comprehensively thrashed in the World Cup in Mumbai yesterday. For me it was an even sadder day as England lost by one point in the final minutes to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup. I watched with my long distant friend, Kevin up in Yorkshire.

If you think grown men don’t cry, you only have to look at the faces of players who have given everything but still lost. It is no sign of weakness but evidence of really caring. What marks us out is how we respond. Do we turn our backs and walk away to do something else or do we refuse to accept failure, redouble our efforts and go again. Think of other ways to achieve our goal. I have to say that I favour the latter. I cannot and never will accept failure. I have to win. Past failures have to be readdressed.

Yesterday, I wrote about the concept of Determinism. Today, I’ve been focussing on …. bin liners. I bought a new kitchen bin from simplehuman. It cost me £120.00 which my wife thought was ridiculous even though it’s about the price she pays for a pair of trousers. The bin has a 10 year warranty so I registered it on line. They offered me 20% off my next purchase so I looked for how I might use it. Custom-fit bin bags were on offer delivered free to my door. They came in various size packs so, as always, I went for the biggest: 240 bags for £75.00. I thought it was reasonable. My wife didn’t. When I told her I’d ordered them, she went mad. There is no accounting for people’s behaviour is there Dear Reader?

https://youtube.com/watch?v=JDG2m5hN1vo

And if you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (never break the chain)

And so it is that the house is reverberating to the sound of Fleetwood Mac.. Not my choice but my wife’s favourite. I know about a handful of their songs and, through repetition, I like them but I prefer the lyrics.

Monday, 23rd October, 2023

Beautiful morning apart from the fact that it is Day 7 of Irradiation. There is a faint whiff of cooking meat in the air. I recruited a new friend to come with me on the journey. We met in the sunshine of the garden yesterday.

This beautiful creature entered my life yesterday. Isn’t she gorgeous? Actually, I say ‘she’ but snails are hermaphrodite. When common garden snails (Helix aspersa) mate, a penis is extruded from the side of each head as the snails join together. Too much information? Hope you weren’t eating Breakfast although … is there any more appropriate time for snail sex?Anyway, I am far too shy for such activities so I’ve told her/him that she’s got a ‘window’ to do whatever while I’m out.

The irradiation sessions seem to be getting longer each time I go. Still got 13 more. Decided to celebrate when it’s over with a French shopping trip before Christmas and I think I’m going to need a trip to the North of England as well. Just booked a couple of nights in France – buy some wine, chocolate, hopefully porcelain replacements for things we’ve I’ve broken, presents, interesting ingredients for Christmas Dinner, etc..

A little trip like this used to be so cheap with discount, off-peak Eurotunnel tickets, etc. This one will cost £190.00 return Tunnel crossing plus £300.00 for the hotel. Just renewed our travel insurance annual policy. It is ‘free’ with our bank account although it isn’t. We have to pay a 2 x £75.00 age extension premium for being over 70 and an extra £180.00 for my condition as a decrepit old man. So it is ‘free’ if you don’t count the £330.00 add-ons.

Just completed my exercise routine this afternoon. Was tired, lethargic, a bit jittery and lacking in energy. I’m only 30% of the way through my treatment. I had hoped to stave off these feelings for as long as possible. I don’t like the loss of control.

Tuesday, 24th October, 2023

Didn’t sleep last night until it was time to get up and then I was totally gone. The radio alarm came on at 5.45 am and I fell asleep to the tones of Farming Today. It’s usually compelling listening. Today, it was about genetic modification which I find interesting but now … I’ll never know. There are one or two people I can think of who need genetically modifying but … tomatoes?

Dashing off at 7.45 am today although it was amazing yesterday how quiet the traffic was. When I got there, I suddenly realised it was Half Term. Amazing effect on the traffic. All children should be forced to walk to school no matter how far. Parents’ cars and children’s bikes should be BANNED.

A beautiful morning …. if you’re not going to be irradiated. I arrive at Preston Park Cancer Centre with an hour to spare because the traffic is so light once again. Warm and sunny today, there is a huge contrast between the purpose of the Centre – treating the ill – and the Park across the road which is available for the healthy. Walkers, joggers, dogs all exercise in the park with lots of space and fresh air available.

Had some lovely contacts from a variety of people over the past few hours. My skinny, little sister contacted me having read the Blog. She thinks I’m going on a Booze Cruise. Of course, as you will know, Dear Reader, I’m far more refined than that. It is a short break of a few days from the prison that is treatment. Of course, sisters always think the worst, don’t they .. and I’m so nice to them. At least Skinny Liz thought of me. Might buy her a box of chocolates. … There again …

One of the problems is buying presents for people who have got everything. We will shower them with calories in the guise of chocolates and sweets. We have a special shop in France that we use to source exactly that.

John_R told me today that his daughter is getting married soon. He’s obviously very proud of her. He’s going back to South Korea in the Spring to visit his son who is a teacher out there. Neighour, Jill, has watched me drive out for the clinic each morning and contacted this morning to ask how I was feeling. Julie also asked how things went in the treatment today. She’s going off to look after her 95 year old Mum for a few days. We really do sound old, don’t we?

While I was in the clinic, Kevin, who is about to be a grandfather again, sent me this baptism video. Didn’t surprise me that anything so extreme was Roman Catholic. They are all absolutely mad!

Wednesday, 25th October, 2023

Day 9: Very warm but dark and wet and 6.30 am. The warmth yesterday morning produced that lovely, low-level mist that cold grass hitting warm air produces at this time of the year.

Setting out before 8.00 am for another session of irradiation. Got stuck in a waiting room with lots of other sufferers the other day when the machine broke down. It was a salutatory experience. Suddenly, I became part of the community of cancer sufferers – something I didn’t want and had never even contemplated. It was uncomfortable. People greeted me as if they knew me because of my condition. This is when you need people who do really know you.

Today, there were only two of us there and I was in and out in about 20 mins. The whole process engenders in me a sense of isolation and utter loneliness. It is almost an out of body experience, as if I am watching it happening to someone else. I do try to detach myself from the whole thing. When it’s over and I am walking out, it is almost as if I am allowing myself to breathe again and the emotions flood me. I’ve had so few involvements with hospitals in my life until recently that the whole environment feels utterly alien.

I’m sure many of my readers will think I’m being far too self-indulgent and whingeing about my feelings as I go though this process. In fact, one reader even said quite pointedly that self pity wasn’t an attractive look. I’ve written a number of times that the stiff upper lip approach is not for me. I come to terms with things by expressing them, writing about them openly. Actually, underneath that and possibly because of that, I am very strong. I was reading the response of Julia Bradbury, TV presenter and cancer sufferer who addressed exactly this point.

I allowed myself to feel all the pain, vulnerability and fear because it was an important part of my recovery and healing process. If you quell a trauma, you risk damaging yourself internally. Meditation became very important to me because that’s when I could let the tears flow.

Julia Bradbury

Alright, meditation is a step too far but the general thrust is exactly right for me and, if I come through this intact, I will be in a better place to help others around me who go through such an ordeal – even those unkind to me.

My friend, Kevin, is expecting to welcome his 10th grandchild into the world some time today. As someone with no children or grandchildren, I have pointed out to him how excessively greedy this is – 4 children and 10 grandchildren. He’ll have no problem with Carers in his dotage.

Thursday, 26th October, 2023

Dark start to Day 10/20. From tomorrow, it will be all downhill. Should be delighted but a strange concern crept over me yesterday. When this is over, I will receive the final verdict. Has it worked or not? How will I feel if it actually hasn’t? That is to come. For now, another dark drive down the coast to Brighton.

Illness, serious illness definitely makes one more conscious of age. Usually, I feel fit and energetic and optimistic and ‘young’. This morning, an ex-pupil posted this photo of our Craft Block in its infancy. This is exactly the sort of evidence that ages one instantly.

I think it was David Weatherly who posted a photo of this group. It immediately made me feel my age. It depicts John Mayall (89), Mick Fleetwood (76) and Bill Wyman (86). Quite extraordinary how time has gone on and how golden are those memories not to be dismissed easily. We throw away our connections with the past at our peril.

I remember my little brother, Bob, coming home with an LP by John Mayall & the Blues Breakers: A Hard Road. I couldn’t understand it. I was in to the Moody Blues, James Taylor and Joni Mitchell. I remember him coming home so proudly with his first pair of Levi Jeans which were stiff as a board and had to be softened by wearing them sitting in a bath of water while I was wearing very racy, orange striped hipsters. I contacted Bob this morning from the Cancer Centre as I drank my litre of water prior to treatment.

In real time, these wild, broadly sown Cosmos caught my eye yesterday while out walking. We are almost at the end of October and they are still flowering profusely and standing proudly.

Had to accompany the Chef to Sainsburys to buy a list of ingredients for Christmas cakes. Amazing how many women of a similar age were hovering around the same shelves urgently consulting lists.

Friday, 27th October, 2023

Warm, Dark, Wet. Dark, Wet, Warm. It’s going to be an interesting day. Quite a lot of the road I drive to Brighton has terrible drainage with huge pools of standing water when it rains. This morning it will be swimming pools after heavy, overnight rain. The last day of Half Term effect so must enjoy the sparsity of traffic.

This afternoon will be shopping and then spent in the Gym. Chef will be starting Christmas cakes. We debated making 3 which included one for us but have decided against it because, as we agreed, we’d only eat it and we don’t need the calories so just 2 cakes for P&C and for M&K.

Kevin seems so blasé about grandchildren with 9 already that he is very laid back about a 10th. He sent me a photo and hasn’t told me which sex it is. It looks like a boy to me but I daren’t ask because I could be totally wrong. I’m sure it will emerge in time. Before that, I’ll let you decide, Dear Reader. Let me know. …. New Life for Old.

I was reminded that 14 years ago this week, we received confirmation from our Mortgagee, Northern Rock, that we had paid off our last ever mortgage. In 2009, we had still owed £250,000. We had paid off everything we owed on the house in Huddersfield and the house we built in Greece.

We were mortgage-free for the first time in our lives. It was a weirdly, liberating feeling. We had deliberately disciplined and challenged ourselves to save, invest and improve for 30 years and it had paid off. We thought that we would now be able to indulge ourselves but the habits of a lifetime are hard to throw off, aren’t they Dear Reader and we have continued to save and invest across 13 years of retirement. I’m constantly saying, Aren’t we lucky? We just don’t have to worry about money at all. but my wife gets annoyed with me and says, We worked hard for everything we’ve got. You don’t have to apologise. And yet I do. I really do. By the accident of birth, I am in the place I am.

It is a warm day of rapidly alternating hot sun and blue sky with torrential rain out of fast-moving black clouds. Not safe to be out walking without swimming so my exercise will be in the Gym today. I’ve got to find a new film to watch. I like political thrillers, espionage, historically-based drama, etc.. Serious things.

Imagine how I surprised myself when I found myself enraptured by a romantic comedy. A TV presenter of political discussion meets an Irish girl while on location in Ireland. He is immediately hooked by her personality and cannot get her out of his mind.

She is a nightmare but he cannot shake off the memory of her in spite of a chaotic texting relationship, being ghosted and rejected. He breaks all the rules to be with her. Ultimately, he dispenses with his partner and, potentially, his career, they become an uncomfortable couple. Life isn’t comfortable is it? I found it so enjoyable …. I must be MAD. Next ….

Saturday, 28th October, 2023

Torrential rain over night. I heard most of it because I didn’t sleep well. A day off from treatment. I found myself just letting go and sleeping in until ….. 8.00 clock!! My apologies to anyone who is offended. I offend myself by my laziness.

Drove down to the beach after breakfast. The weather was warm, dry and quite bright. High tide was due. In fact, I nearly got drowned again as I took photographs. I still cannot convey the majesty of the waves as they roll in and break on the shore.

Rain is forecast again tonight which is a pity because Worthing, in its wisdom, has decided to hold its Fireworks and Carnival this weekend rather than next. It is still very warm and un-Winter like. I am still living in shorts and tee shirt. Even so, today I am cooking Supper. It will be a Winter-warmer from Greece. Stifado is very much like Beef Stew although it has significant differences.

The flavourings make all the difference. Any meat flavoured with sticks of Cinnamon and Allspice is going to stand out. It also features small, round shallots which accompany the beef in tomato sauce, red wine and brandy reduction. I’ve really enjoyed cooking it, Dear Reader. You are very welcome.

The rain is back this evening and I have retreated to the Gym while my wife watches Strictly Come Dancing with a box of chocolate truffles. She’s ordered another two pairs of trousers to boost her morale. How many pairs of trousers can one woman wear?

Sunday, 15th October, 2023

Coldest night since last March. We were 20C overnight on Friday and just 4C last night. Mind you, some Northern towns went down to 2C which really is bitter. The morning has opened bright and sunny with blue skies and little breeze. I will walk later when the world warms up.

The political programmes this morning are dominated by the Israeli-Palestinian problem. In spite of total condemnation of Hamas, it is good to see commentators speak up and huge crowds come out to support the Palestinian cause. Leaves one wondering why the international community have allowed Israel to imprison the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip for so long. There is a direct causality between the imposed Israeli restrictions and the strength of support for Hamas.

In the past 4 years, I have walked 12,000 miles. Just grinding out the effort day after day – never missing, never giving up – is the way I do it. I used to drive across Europe from Coquelles to Piraeus– a drive of 1100 miles.  I have walked that return trip more than 5 times. I am like a dog with a bone. I never give up. I WILL never give up. Let the word go out. I will never give up until I achieve my goals. I am prepared to break everything to do it.

Call it obsession? Maybe, but I call it determination! I subscribe to the philosophy of that well known Athenian, Socrates, who argued and didn’t stop until he had broken down the expert’s view. The Socratic persistence is what I aspire to.

I AM concerned about wearing out my joints – feet, knees, hips, – but the pitfalls of inaction are worse. At times when I get up in the morning, I ache. Walking downstairs in the morning sometimes, my knees ‘click’. Out walking sometimes my hips ache. Getting out of the car after a long drive, I emerge bent-backed and aching. This is certainly happening increasingly with age. It has to be shrugged off or mitigated by treatment. My live-in podiatrist checks &  creams my feet every morning. My recent skeletal scan showed moderate bone-wear for my age.

I wear out a pair of trainers in about 3 months. I have gradually arrived at the right trainers for me. I always buy Sketchers. Sketchers Arch-Fit Go-Walk are exactly right for me. They cost about £90.00 and I need a blue pair & a black to match my outfit at the time. Well, appearances do matter, don’t they! Looking forward to reporting 25,000 miles walked by the time I’m 76. Where will you be on your timeline in another 4 years, Dear Reader?

It is 7.15 pm. My wife is settling down to watch Strictly Come Dancing: The Results. I am not. I know I ought to support my wife. She has spent so many hours pretending to be interested in sport, trying to show interest in football and rugby, pretending not to be bored by cricket. There is an intolerance in me I can’t control.

Last week I really made an effort to share her viewing with her but I failed within 5 minutes. I heard a judge say, You’re a genius, darling! I looked at the competitor and thought, Genius? Einstein … Genius. Tim Berners-Lee … Genius. Love Island contestant and amateur ballroom dancer …. Genius? I couldn’t help snorting with derision and was immediately banished from the television room. I do try but there is only so far I can stretch.

Monday, 16th October, 2023

A dark, cold and lonely morning at 6.00 am. Day 4 of the 20 journeys to Brighton. This is going to be a 4 day week. The irradiation machine is being serviced on Friday. Only 4C last night. I suspect Northerners will have put the heating on. My friend, Julie, was lighting a log fire and making Winter casseroles. I hate this time of year and yearn for the warmth of Summer, for salads and for outdoor living again already. If I was able to, I would be buying it. Unfortunately at the moment, I can’t.

My treatment today was much longer than before. Bit unnerving. Two new radiologists. Once again young girls. Once again Irish – Cara & Aisling – but with warm hands today. They had watched the rugby over the weekend but Ireland had lost which made them sad. Strange feeling after each session which I can’t explain. I go feeling reluctant but optimistic. When it’s over, my emotions plummet viciously. Don’t know why. At that point exactly, I need support.

As I drove home, I received supportive Whatsapps from Kevin & JohnR and our lovely next door neighbours, John & Jill, wished me well and offered any support that I needed. There are lovely people in the world.

The drive there and home was so much better today. People who are in business tell us that Tuesday is the new Monday in travelling to the Office terms. Workers are tending to stay at home for Friday to Monday and go to the Office for 3 midweek days. Maybe that is why the traffic was lighter today. Anyway, it helped. Left at 8.15 am and arrived back at 11.15 am. by which time the world had warmed up to 12C.

Nine years ago today we visited a long lost relative of Pauline’s family who I’d tracked down over a number of heritage sites. We drove to her home near Hampton Court. Beth turned out to be a lovely person who was a BBC singer. Her husband was a High Court Judge. It was a lovely reunion that I was pleased to have arranged. People are, ultimately, the most important elements of our lives. An interesting article in the Daily Telegraph argues that much above exercise, diet & relationships are far more important to longevity.

Out walking this afternoon was less comfortable than it usually is. First, I wore a fleece!! Just 13C felt distinctly cool. More uncomfortable than that was the stiffness and soreness in my pelvic area. I was warned that the irradiation could result in some skeletal discomfort but I didn’t expect it so soon or so badly.

Tuesday, 17th October, 2023

Didn’t sleep well last night although the BBC World Service helped. Had a phone call from the hospital yesterday evening to tell me that Wednesday’s radiotherapy session was cancelled and Friday’s had already been cancelled. I don’t go at the weekend so I am only having one session in 5 days. This is on the borders of acceptable according to my consultant. There is not much I can do about it but I will contact the consultant today to make sure he is alright with it.

Breakfast drink, enema applied, bottles of water in the car and preparing to leave at 8.15 am. I am deliberately cautious about the timing. The 18 miles to Preston Park in Brighton. Actually, it should take about 35 mins but it is usually an hour in reality at this time in the morning. It only takes some road works, an accident, a slow vehicle and I can add 30 mins to the timing. I don’t mind arriving early. The cancer patients’ carpark is great with plenty of spaces and I sit and drink my litre of water – not an easy thing in half an hour. Red wine, maybe, but … water?

Actually, this morning it has all started to go a bit pear-shaped. First Friday’ s session was cancelled. Last night, Wednesday’s was cancelled and then, when I arrived this morning, there was a delay because one machine had broken down. Not a problem other than I had drunk a litre of water in preparation. By the time I was treated (warm hands again), I was DESPERATE!! As I drove home, a message came in from my consultant on the Patients Know Best app cancelling my end of treatment meeting in December. That was meant to be a live-or-die, end-of-treatment meeting. I am phoning him this afternoon to find out what is happening.

Every year since Pauline’s lovely Mum died in 2010, we have gone back to the North of England to pay our respects and remember her. Not that we ever forget anyway but it focusses the mind. We weren’t able to go in the pandemic year and it felt somehow ‘unfaithful’. This photo came up in the Memory Box from 2018. Every year, we have Lunch with Little Viv – our (former) Reprographics manager and Margaret who was SENCO managed by Pauline from SMT. Lovely people, lovely friends kind and supportive. Look forward to seeing them in the New Year when I hope to return to meet up with all my Northern friends. Have to book a couple of weeks to fit them all in!

Phoned the consultant. The meeting will be rearranged for the same day or close so there is no emergency. Might go back to the North of England then just to share it with my friends if I get the all clear.

Wednesday, 18th October, 2023

Hard to believe that it was 13 years ago that we came back early from Greece to be with Pauline’s Mum in what turned out to be her final few weeks. Every time we drive back up to Oldham, we are shocked how advanced the Autumn is. The Crematorium is a fittingly sad, damp, Autumnal setting with a hint of decaying leaves on this day each year.

Unfortunately, this year we can’t be there. It is my fault and I hope Mump doesn’t think I’m letting her down. She never let me down.

I have spent the morning contacting people by Text and Whatsapp to explain my absence. Texts are OK although attaching photos is an additional expense and I find that some people rudely fail to reply. With Whatsapp, firstly I can send as many photos as I like and at least there is notification. In the exchange above, you can see the two ticks which indicate Received & Read with two, blue ticks. I like that.

As any retired teacher will know, October 18th is important because the previous month’s Consumer Price Index (CPI) is announced by the ONS. The August level was 6.7% and government believed it would fall significantly this month. That was wishful thinking. State employees occupational pensions are index-linked on the September CPI. Against all expectations, rising fuel prices have kept the CPI to 6.7% which means Teachers pensions will be uprated by that. Last year, it was 10.1% so a two year increase of 16.8% is better than most salaries have improved.

The State Pension, although incredibly small and the smallest in the EU, is increased by the greater of 3 measures known as The Triple Lock. The pension increases by the greater of earnings, inflation or 2.5%. Well, this year, Earnings are 8.5%, inflation is 6.7%, both of which are higher than 2.5%. So, State Pension should increase in April by 8.5%. I hope you’re keeping up, Dear Reader.

Just like the Lock Down year, our enforced period of health treatment at the moment has meant we are saving money like mad because we can’t spend it. We are piling cash into investments for the years of infirmity to come. We will splurge it on travelling next year, hopefully, as long as the verdict is good.

Thursday, 19th October, 2023

Early start this morning. Traffic more difficult. People obviously set off very early for work in Brighton. This was my 6th session and I’m feeling institutionalised already. The routine is to go into a changing room and wait to be called. Some come and have to change. I just wear tee shirt and shorts but have to take off my trainers, watch and mobile phone and wait to be called. It is an individual changing room like a cell. By this stage my bladder is bursting so I try to move as little as possible.

A radiotherapist comes to get me and we go to one of the radiotherapy rooms where I have to provide my date of birth and my address to check I am who they think. I have been given a special sheet to lay on and which is used to adjust my position as they line up my 3 tattoos to the treatment beams to minimise the peripheral damage. When they are happy I am in place, they leave the room and I am automatically moved into the chamber. About 15 mins of treatment and it’s over.

The radiographers are all youngish girls. Everyone of the 6 I’ve met so far is Irish. They are happy, chatty, pleasant people. They try to make what could otherwise be a fairly humiliating experience as comfortable as possible. I must admit I play it fairly deadpan and non-committal.

When it is over, I go back to my changing cell, put on my shoes and walk back to the car. It is at that moment – and it has happened everyone of the first 6 times – when my emotions crash . I have absolutely no idea why but I withdraw into myself. It is then when I most need people. A voice, the touch of skin. A kiss. All of these things are massive at that moment.

By the time I’ve driven home, I am over it. I am feeling increasingly tired, sore and aching and I’m having to fight through that each afternoon on my exercise. Generally, the weather allows me to do the bulk of my exercise outside and the rest is finished in the Gym. I’m watching a film of the John le Carré book, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. It stars Richard Burton & Claire Bloom and was made in 1966. We were 15 yrs old but I have to tell you that it is another world.

The furniture, the food, the transport, the technology was of another life. Nobody got stuck and phoned for help. Nobody asked a question and used their mobile for the answer. The internet, the mobile phone, the microwave, the colour TV of multiple stations, the motor car for all had not been conceived of. And this has been our life, Dear Reader. Out of a life of Black & White, we are reborn into an infinite world of colour. What we must avoid doing now is closing down our opportunities, saying we are old. Life is to be embraced, to be risked, to be tasted, to be opened up before we die.

Lovely, warm and quite sunny afternoon. Dragged myself round on a 6 mile walk. The area is still looking nice. The grassed areas have had a swathe of wild flowers sown this year and, in spite of local scepticism, it has worked and many are still flowering strongly half way through October. I am really feeling skeletal soreness after 6 bouts of treatment but the consultant told me to ignore them and push myself through the exercise because it would help in the end so that is what I am doing.

Friday, 20th October, 2023

Early start to the morning. Really lifted at 5.00 am to hear the byelection results which both reported historic wins for Labour. In each there were record wins for the Left.

It was so exciting that I couldn’t stay in bed and was up especially early to enjoy the reports. The thought of a Tory annihilation which is very much on the cards makes political activity really worthwhile.

O course, so many of my friends are absolutely delighted as I am. I talked to them this morning and they reinforced my views that the election is Labour’s to lose. A few haven’t replied yet but I will phone them over the next few hours. I’ve been out spending money. Oh, it hurts.

My wife needed new reading glasses. She reads so much that she’s worn out the lenses of her glasses. Just £180.00 has bought 2 pairs which will be ready next week. The kitchen bin broke this morning. Amazon will supply a replacement tomorrow – just £120.00. Can you imagine that a waste bin costs that much? Well this one does. Maybe it will last longer.

My treatment session in Brighton is cancelled today. The machine is being serviced. Bit annoying because my course is extended. Still, there is nothing I can do about it. We are going supermarket shopping and then online shopping when we get home.

Today, the chef is thinking about catering for Christmas. She is cooking not one Christmas cake but three. One for us, one for P&C and one for M&K which will be smuggled into Florida. We had to source ingredients and materials. We’ve had to go to Hobbycraft for cake boards and icing cutters. I have been tasked with searching out extra large roasting tins for very big turkeys. Nothing is left to chance for the caterer.

It’s 2.00 pm. and a lovely warm and sunny day. Going out for a walk although I am hurting quite a bit today. Bit worried about the soreness in my frame but got to keep going! Just hope it stands up to the pressure. ….. Well, 30 mins walking and rain appeared from nowhere. Have to do a couple of hours in the Gym now. ………. as soon as I decide that, the sun re-emerges and beams down across the world.

Saturday, 21st October, 2023

A grey day. It’s raining. Took Pauline to the hairdressers this morning so she didn’t get soaked. Drove home to meet a DPD delivery and then back an hour later to collect her. Looks like I’m going to be in the Gym this morning. We are going to have light rain for a few hours. Nothing like Leeds had yesterday.

My friend, Kevin, regularly flies from Leeds Bradford where it was reported a Tui plane skidded off the runway on landing yesterday. My friend, Julie reported that she’d been virtually trapped in her house on the North East coast for two days by the weather.

On this day two years ago, I met up with Julie in the most beautiful weather. Her port home looked wonderful in the sunshine. Even so, I couldn’t live that far North now.

Woke ridiculously early and thought of things I didn’t want to. Blocked them out by Turning on the radio to a discussion about Causality and Determinism, the philosophy first advanced by Aristotle. (We talk of little else on the South Coast.) I remember going home from College for a holiday and announcing at the Lunch table that I was a Marxist Determinist. It didn’t go down well.

My mother was a Roman Catholic who believed fervently in Original Sin. A Determinist believes that Free Will does not exist but that something in the life of an individual presupposes them to act in certain ways. On that basis, the concept of Sin is irrelevant.

In the early 1970s, my left wing politics engendered my view that actions were determined by Life’s experiences – poverty or wealth, Working Class or Higher Class, determined so much about nutrition and future health, subject to basic services like Health, Education, Housing, etc. In other words, I was taking the ‘Nurture’ side of the argument. In later life, I still tend towards that view but have integrated the genetic inheritance element or ‘Nature’ side although I have no idea in which proportion.

I suspect that my early upbringing and genetic inheritance contributed fairly equally to the mess of strengths and weaknesses I am. If only I had had Free Will, I would have done things so much differently. Just been talking to my old friend, John Ridley. A son of a Methodist minister, John has pursued a life of good works and continues to do so. There is a strong, determinist thread there.

Sunday, 8th October, 2023

Struggling a bit at the moment. Phoned my friend, Brian, in Shaw to wish him Happy Birthday. He has a friend who has been having exactly the same problems as me – hormone treatment leading to mood swings, hot flushes, weight gain, poor sleep patterns – and then went on to radiotherapy. He has emerged physically unscathed and cancer-clear so the talk was encouraging. Brian has recently been in hospital and found himself in a bed next to a former teacher from Oulder Hill who he and I both knew. It is a small world.

My radiotherapy month starts on Wednesday. By the second week of November, it should all be over. Then, I have a series of PSA tests followed by a meeting with my consultant at the end of December. The aim is to start the New Year cancer-free so that we can embrace a 12 months of travelling to celebrate.

I had thought I might attend my College reunion this year but I will be in the middle of my treatment month. There is a general one in December but that doesn’t appeal. It is only people I know who I want to see. Certainly, the snow doesn’t sell it to me.

At night I use the BBC World Service and during the day I am trying to escape into a world of Drama to blot out the real world at the moment. Strangely, I’m watching DocuDramas which are current. Just watched Partygate and I am now in the middle of The Long Shadow which is a well made account of the Yorkshire Ripper on ITV_X. The next will be Steve Coogan playing Jimmy Saville in The Reckoning on BBC iplayer.

My wife likes honey with fresh figs and porridge for breakfast. She bought a new jar from Sainsburys the other day and, when I looked at it, I was surprised to find it was produced just 5 miles away from where I was born. I was conceived in the village of Repton and the honey was produced in Littleover Apiary just 5 miles away. Sent a cold shiver of remembrance over my body when I saw it. I am struggling with memories at the moment.

Monday, 9th October, 2023

A warm, calm morning. Went down to the beach to listen to the waves as the tide went out, smell the ozone air and feel the warmth of the sun as it burns off the early morning haze.

Marking time at the moment so I am talking to friends to build some optimism. Kevin sets off for Spain tomorrow and we talked this morning. He wished me luck for Wednesday. John-R is busy with his constant round of good works and intellectual pursuits. He is far more public spirited than me. He tours the country giving talks to parochial organisations charging money which goes to charities and he drives a minibus service taking the elderly and infirm on tours of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. In his spare time he busks with his folk group in places all over the North with all proceeds going to charity. I’m afraid he puts me to shame.

Of course, John-R is driven by a religious faith which I don’t have. It was one of the things that we found so difficult to cope with when we lived in Greece. Although it is less so now, the Greek people are in thrall to the Greek Orthodox Church which weaves its dogma through every element of Greek life. Our island has 360 churches each of which will get a ceremony of celebration each year. The celebration involves a religious ceremony followed by food and drink.

The food will include huge loaves of bread baked in local ovens (Φούρνοι). This bread is called ευλογία, because it is blessed and because a blessing accompanies its use. Yes, I know it’s nonsense but it is a nonsense they believe. Yesterday was the feast of St. Thomas at Pothitos (Άγιο Θωμά στου Ποθητού). Each church has a particular patron family who will carry the religious icon for the church. This church is supported by the family who bought our house.

It really became hot over the day as we saw 24C/75F while walking. You have to keep telling yourself that we are approaching mid-October and everyone is jaunting around in shorts and tee shirts. People were swimming in the sea this morning and sunbathing on the beach. We finished the day by cooking and eating Supper in the garden. Kalamari and salad was wonderful in the warmth.

Tuesday, 10th October, 2023

Lovely morning although a little bit cool at 8.00 am. It will warm up quite rapidly looking at the sky. We are expecting to be 22C/72F today which will do. I am a bit sceptical of forecasts and my friend, Julie, told me this morning that it was raining heavily in her North Yorkshire home whereas the BBC forecast for there is warm & sunny this morning.

I start my radiotherapy tomorrow morning. It will be like a ‘work’ month – long and lonely. Preparing the night before. Up early – and clocks go back in a couple of weeks. Driving through rush hour. Facing the tests of the day and then driving home to prepare for doing it all over again the next day. The only difference will be that the preparation is physical rather than intellectual.

A lot of driving will be involved over the next month and I’m preparing things to occupy my mind in that time. Podcasts are my current enjoyment. If you are in to politics and current affairs, you will know some of these.

I wrote last weekend about my love of data. Yesterday, I was contacted by the Office for National Statistics asking me to join a new study of the impact

The data from this study are important in helping us understand:

• potential winter pressures to help support the NHS and other services to prepare for future stressors, and act as an early warning system for COVID-19
• the impact of COVID-19 on the lives of individuals, the community and on health services and how they are changing

Of course I’ve agreed to it. It is the least I can do. They will send me a year’s supply of lateral flow tests and I will answer an on-line questionnaire each month as a result.

You didn’t realise how exciting life could be, Dear Reader, did you?

Wednesday, 11th October, 2023

Well, it’s started. I received a phone call yesterday from a radiographer taking me through today’s procedure. This first session is at 11.00 am but the rest are an hour earlier so I’ve decided to get into the pattern of the day straight away. Up at 6.30 am so I have the maximum amount of time to prepare. Isn’t it dark at 6.30 am and the clocks go back on October 29^th to make it even darker.

I have to have an enema 2 hrs before the treatment. (Sorry if that’s too much information.) Then, 40 mins before the procedure, I have to drink a litre of water so that will be while I am driving in. I drive straight into a private carpark for ‘cancer sufferers’ and must be in Oncology 15 mins before the treatment. Knowing these logistics suits me. I like to know the organisation in advance.

I can go in and stay in my shorts and tee shirt which is helpful. They scan my body to locate the three tattoos I had put in place at the planning meeting to fix the beam target. I am strapped into a framework unable to move so that the beam is precise. This is important so that they don’t damage me more than necessary. The radiotherapy takes about 15 mins and then I walk straight out to my car and drive an hour home. So, if things go to plan, I should be home by 11.30 each morning other than today.

Apparently, it takes a week or so before the side effects begin to show. Unfortunately, when I get home tomorrow, I have to have another hormone injection. This will take me to 8 months of treatment and I long for those side effects to end. I am so emotional at the moment that I can hardly live with myself. I am tired all the time and exercise is really mind over matter. I have a strong mind but rather weak matter. I am still forcing myself to do my walks but the timings of this month mean I will be spending far more time in the Gym in the evening. I need to do more rowing and weights this Winter.

Home by 12.30 pm. Quite surprised by how I reacted to the events. Got there extra early. The traffic was abnormally light. Drank a litre of sparkling water that I’d taken with me. Taken into the Radiology area and told what to do. The radiologists – two young girls – set me down in the ‘stocks’ with my head and feet set and began to line up the tattoos before drawing felt tip lines on my beautiful body. The whole process took about 40 mins for the first session which they warned me would get quicker on subsequent days.

I was amazed how emotional I found the morning. I received lovely messages of support from friends and came home to kind wishes in cards from neighbours. It makes all the difference to have their support. I don’t like putting my wife through this. She shouldn’t have to compromise her life.

Thursday, 12th October, 2023

A dark, damp morning at 6.30 am. Had to put the garden lights on to see the garden at all when I got up. It had rained but now stopped. Very warm. 18C/65F over night. I didn’t sleep well which means I’m tired this morning.

Watched the last episode of the Saville Biopic last night and the scenes ran through my mind all night, What a grubby little man he was living in a grubby little world.

His pride in his ‘shell suits’, flashy, tawdry jewellery, dilapidated, old, stone properties in Leeds and Scarborough and, more than anything else, his duplicitous morality legitimated by the Catholic Church to which he nominally belonged. The creed that all sin could be cleansed by confession and atonement allowed him astonishing sexual crimes which he believed he balanced out by doing charitable works.

Got to be driving out at 8.30 this morning and should be irradiated at 10.00 am. Every time I drive home I will be expecting to feel the side effects appearing and hoping they can be staved off as long as possible. Heard from Cathy last night asking about my first session and telling me she and Lori will be at the Brighton Clinic today as well. What old, disintegrating people we are becoming! Just remember, Dear Reader, as Benjamin Franklin said,

We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.

Day 2 over quite successfully although I did learn today that some men are having far fewer radiotherapy sessions than me which suggests my cancer is far more extensive. That was a bit of a shock. Amazing how lonely and exposed I feel going through the process.

Just as I was going down for the session, Kevin took the trouble to contact me from Spain where he should be just enjoying himself. Once again, I was amazed how much that helped.

Friday, 13th October, 2023

A warm night and a warm, dark, damp morning. We stayed around 20C/68F all night and it feels very humid this morning. Earlier session at the hospital today. Up at 6.00 am, as I did every work day for nearly 40 years. Traffic was better at that time and I was there early. I try to be there 40 mins before so that I can drink a litre of water in the car before I go in. While I’m there, I communicate with friends on my phone.

This morning Kevin sent me a photo of what I was missing in Spain. He followed it up by something I definitely wasn’t missing – an Amy Winehouse tribute act at the bar last night. I can’t imagine anything worse and that was reason enough to not go with him. Having said that, talking was a nice distraction and just reaching out made a difference.

Still gloomy outside as I went in. Two, young Irish radiographers this morning – one called Annie and the other Mollie. She had freezing cold hands but was otherwise lovely. Having been carefully positioned on the moving bed, they go out of the radiation room and I am left to my own devices with strict instructions not to move.

I am automatically drawn back into the dark, scanner tunnel. The silence and the darkness induce even darker, fatalistic thoughts in me. Why am I doing this? Why am I putting my wife through the whole process? Perhaps I should stop it and just let the prostate develop to its natural conclusion. It would be easier all round for everyone.

Drove back via the beach. There is something elemental and enveloping about the sea. The waves wash over, the sound soothes and the rhythm is eternal. Really tempting …

Saturday, 14th October, 2023

Well, we got through Friday 13th in one piece and last night was the coldest for well over 6 months. The temperature fell to 9C/48F. Even so, because of the hormone treatment. I still needed the air-conditioning last night in bed.

Really, I should sleep in the Gym. It doesn’t have central heating from the house. I have an oil-filled, ladder radiator on the wall which has to be controlled separately. The computer-controlled Gym equipment would be seriously damaged if the temperature fell below 5C/41F so I receive remote notifications on my phone & iPad letting me know the current Gym temperature and alerting me if it’s about to become critical.

We had the Gym insulated but that has increased the relative humidity and I receive reports on that as well although I’m not sure how to respond. Last night, the Gym temperature fell to 12.7C/55F which is fine and nice for sleeping when you get the sweats.

Driving up to Surrey this morning to visit M, P&C. It is a beautiful day after a crystal clear night. The biggest problem driving will be sun glare and, maybe, the M25.

The chef has made two Quiches for a family lunch this afternoon. One is bacon & tomato and the other is my favourite – salmon & asparagus. Mmm! Might forget to put that one in the car.

Sunday, 1st October, 2023

I want to say, Happy October. Happy New Month! but I’m finding it difficult. Will it be happy? I’m panicking. It’s going! Tempus Fugit! Don’t let it go. Don’t go!

Last week marked 58 years since my father’s death and this week will see my wife not celebrating reaching 72. I love statistics but I don’t like these.

Sorry, I’m OK now … I think. October will be another experience. I’m going to start my course of radiotherapy next week. It will dominate the month both in time and effect. This morning, I am breaking the habits of a lifetime by having TOAST for breakfast. I’m almost feeling bad just thinking about it.

It is fairly grey outside this morning although incredibly warm. Overnight, we didn’t go below 17C/63F and we expect to see 70F this morning. Our problem is not enough rain. Little bits over night but we really need to be in the North West. Lots of it up there this weekend and for the week to come. Could put a dampener on the Tory Party Conference in Manchester this week. Let’s hope so.

Went absolutely mad yesterday and completely valeted the car. Took about three hours and it’s looking great. I don’t think the Porsche I craved on Friday is going to get through the Scrutiny Committee so this car will have to do for a few more weeks.

Done my exercise to work off the toast. It is 22C/71F and delicious outside. Talking to friends to keep my spirits up. Watching the Ryder Cup even though I don’t play golf. Planning out how to solve some problems. Looks like it’s going to involve breaking some eggs that I pledged not to.

It is 7.30 pm. My wife is watching Strictly Come Dancing. I am banned from the room because I can’t stop scoffing at it. I hear a judge talking about GENIUS and look at the celebrity and …. never mind. I am cowering in my Office out of the way, browsing newspapers and watching another TV. Suddenly, the two situations are melded in a news item.

Apparently, Len Goodman was a judge on Strictly and he died 6 months ago. The cause was announced today. He had Prostate Cancer which had become Metastatic and spread to the bones and lymph nodes. Currently, my cancer is still contained within the prostate. If that remains the case, I have a 95% chance of complete eradication. If it has metastasised and gone into the bones or lymph glands, I have less than 30% chance of living 5 years. These are stark alternatives that are chosen by a throw of fate’s dice.

I’m going to need all the support I can get over the next few weeks. The whole process will be exhausting. Physically, I am told that radiotherapy will kill my energy levels, my appetite and anything else I enjoy. The journey will be wearing and the stress will take its toll. I am ready for it and I’m still optimistic but the odds are always in my mind.

Monday, 2nd October, 2023

Up early and out for a Flu jab at the Kamsons Pharmacy attached to our Surgery. Lovely people. Had to give my date of birth and they all said how young I looked for my age. They actually said my wife didn’t even look 50 although I suspect they weren’t looking too hard.

I noticed they were offering nasal flu vaccines but when I requested one they said it was only for children. You really can’t win. They tell me how young I look and then refuse me child benefits. Anyway, the needle didn’t hurt … much. I am now protected against Seasonal Flu and Swine flu. Apparently, the resurgence of H1N1, also known as swine flu is being observed across the southern hemisphere and is expected to arrive here. I can think of one or two people who really need to be vaccinated against swine diseases but I don’t think I’m one of them.

We had our Covid Boosters about 10 days ago and Covid cases have been rising quite steeply in the past few months. I am determined that nothing will delay my Radiotherapy month and I will eradicate this thing that has blighted my life for so long this year.

It’s been a beautiful day. Spent the morning mowing everybody’s lawns and trimming the hedge. Warm work. Good couple of hours’ walk this afternoon. Temperature 22C/71F in the local area and everywhere looked lovely. I’ve been sauntering around looking younger than my age all day and I’m sure you are too, Dear Reader. No Pressure!!

Tuesday, 3rd October, 2023

Blue sky and warm morning as I drive off to the Cancer Centre in Brighton. Just before leaving, the BBC announced that radiographers had joined consultants and Junior Doctors in striking today. At 8.30 am, the roads were desperate. Lane closures creating pinch points, rush hour creating traffic build-up, planned road works creating massive tailbacks. It all adds up to frustration. I’m already feeling frustrated and this just adds to it. Even so, an extra 20 mins driving was alright and will not stop me making my appointment.

Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present

T.S. Eliot – Four Quartets: Burnt Norton

Time has always been so important to me both Past, Present and Future. I’ve often thought that I find Present the hardest time to live in. You know the saying that Life isn’t a Rehearsal. I think I have tended to treat it exactly like that. Never satisfied with my performance in the Present, I think I will improve on it in the Future and that tracing failure in my Past will help inform that.

I was looking through some records from the past when I came upon these watches that have been significant to me. The Ingersoll above was the watch I wore as a boy at Grammar school in the 1950s – 1960s. The black, plastic, digital Casio was what I wore in my student days. That has seen some sights. It really appealed to me for its modernity and rejection of the past. Digital, plastic and square were the qualities that represented rejection of old fashioned design of the past and embracing Harold Wilson’s white, heat of the Technological age.

Of course, when I got married at the grand old age of 28, I was beginning to see myself as part of the new establishment, teacher and property owner. My wife bought me a watch more befitting of my status. Plastic and digital were out. Enduring, stainless steel and multifunction were in. And I wore that watch for 30 years. I still have it but, eventually, it was superseded by something a bit more delicate and digital again.

Until a real step up came out and so many life events were incorporated. The watch I wear now is one of a line of sports/phone watches I have worn over the past 5 years. It integrates with my phone and tells me of emails and texts coming in, of phone calls as they connect and of my exercise achievements for the day, heart rate, sleep patterns, weather in my area, calendar events and so much more. I love it but I am already looking for the next upgrade both of phone and watch. Time is becoming something of a sideshow other than it is running out and the danger is we game play in the Present and not take it seriously. The Future will be here only too soon.

Wednesday, 4th October, 2023

Warm and sunny morning … again. My main focus this morning – other than watching the Tories betray the North – is to source ingredients of a birthday meal for my wife who is officially ancient tomorrow. She will be 72! You know me, Dear Reader. On such occasions, I like to look back.

In this week 13 years ago, Pauline was just 59! Just writing it points up the huge transition of time. Seems obvious but 59 – 72 massive! In fact, this week 13 years ago was even more momentous than we expected. We had just driven back from Greece, off the Zeebrugge – Hull ferry and on to see Pauline’s Mum in Oldham. She wasn’t well. She was 96 years old and had been increasingly feeling her age.

We had retired the year before and were going to our Greek house for 6 months. We had sold our Yorkshire house while we were away in Greece, returned home to clear it and put our things in storage and gone to Greece until what we thought would be the middle of October.

Pauline and her Mum talked evey day, sometimes twice a day over Skype. At the end of September, it was becoming clear that she wasn’t well. Her swollen leg had burst one night and her subsequent treatment had been poor and exacerbated her condition. We decided that we had to return early to be with her. It was exactly the right decision as it turned out.

We were homeless and moved in to Mum-in-Law’s Retirement home in the Guest Room. She went into hospital and over the next two weeks was about to come home 3 or 4 times but relapsed with new problems popping up. Unfortunately, she never did come out and died in mid October 13 years ago. We went on to sell the Greek house, buy a property in Surrey, sell that after 5 years and move to Sussex. How much can change in 13 years.

I was feeling a little sad already and remembering this has accentuated it. It was a difficult time. We felt so responsible. Did we do the right things? Make the right decisions? Doubt lingers in our minds. Balancing our own lives with those of ones we love is always difficult.

Thursday, 5th October, 2023

Lovely day. I am on birthday duties. It is Pauline’s 72nd birthday. Unbelievable that we are 144. In fact, it is Gross. Going down to walk on the beach. We’ll need it with the meal I am serving:

• * Boeuf Bourguignon with
  * Jacket Potato dripping in Butter
  ************************************
  * Coffee & Walnut Cake with
  * Coffee Ice cream & thick Jersey Cream

I cooked the Bourguignon using Fillet Steak and a bottle of red wine yesterday so that the flavour matures. I didn’t make the cake but I will be assembling the constituent parts with real skill.

Texts, DMs, phone calls and even some cards from around the world this morning. Pauline’s closest school friend, Sue, who emigrated to Gozo, the Maltese island, was in contact this morning. They left UK about 5 years ago but are already thinking of moving on if not back to Lancashire. These contacts throw up so many memories don’t they. It can be painful as it points up the passage of time – something that we often ignore or block out if we can. It makes us look at ourselves again afresh and think about how much has changed in that time. I always think it is important to view one’s self in the context of time. Others are scared of it.

The next few days are going to be wonderful. This morning is starting off a little cloudy but we are told it will burn off and the sun will come out. The next 5 days are forecast to be all sunshine and temperatures reaching upper 20s C.

Friday, 6th October, 2023

Well, the birthday celebrations went off well yesterday. I ended up with a fully satisfied customer.

The morning started off happily with lots of contacts and cards. Amazing how many people we know when things like this happen and how far flung they are around the world.

We went out to the beach to walk in the warm sun and lovely sea air. Rustington Beach was quiet and beautiful – just the place for birthday posing. The smell of the sea was gorgeous and the colours of the scene really inviting.

Followed our healthy walk by champagne snack for Lunch and a bit of sunshine in the garden. Dinner went well, I am told and we drank too much wine before pledging to give up completely now until after my treatment.

We finished the evening – as you do on special occasions – watching a political docu-drama downloaded from Channel 4. Partygate was chilling in its blend of fact and fiction, a horrible reminder of that time of Johnson’s duplicitous government. Johnson has gone. Truss has gone and, soon, they will all be gone as the byelection in Scotland over night illustrates.

Even warmer and sunnier this morning. Unfortunately the first job is Dentist. Just one occasion when I’d rather visit the hairdresser but you can’t have everything. Sometimes, you can’t have anything. Of course, my teeth are so old that little changes now. I can’t remember the last time I needed work. Today was the same.

It has stayed delightfully Summer all day. Talked to girl in Lancashire this morning who said it was chucking it down and the roads were flooded. That’s actually how she said it.

Saturday, 7th October, 2023

Another lovely day. By 9.00 am the sky was blue, the sun was out and the temperature had reached 22C/71F which is not too shabby for 7th October.

If you are a regular reader, you will know I get news, information, posts from lots of places to which I have/had a connection. They are called Push Alerts which means that, instead of me going to find them, they are sent to me automatically all day and all night. You would love it, Dear Reader! Over night, I got information about car hire in Florida. This morning I got dire warnings of heavy rain and flooding about to hit the North of England particularly in North Yorkshire. Down here, the Summer goes on.

If you read me at all, you will know that I love Data. I have that sort of mind where acquiring data, tabulating and saving data in neat order and then referring back to that data is important and enjoyable. I save every phone number, address, every email, every text, every letter, every financial record, every warranty, every life event …. for ever. Members of my family are amazed that I know every birthday. I run an on-line calendar which records all those sorts of things. I am mortified if I forget or get a birthday wrong. That is what the National Records Office is there for – to substantiate or correct.

I keep spreadsheet records of my health readings – INR and so on, of our power usage in different homes over the years and like to compare them. My wife is driven mad because I won’t let her throw out all my/her payslips going back to the 1970s. I have all my notes from my B.A Degree and my Masters Degree. And, of course, we have our Financial records going back to 1978 just as I have my Blog going back to 2008. An old man and fellow Historian who had been Head of History in our school in Oldham dropped in for Lunch the other day and Pauline was surprised to find that he had kept all his records as well right up to his current age of 83. I almost felt vindicated.

Of course, payslips are easy. I have box files full of them. Nowadays things like Texts or Emails, digital photos or documents are backed up in the Cloud because you never know when you might need them.