Sunday, 5th November, 2023
A gorgeous, gorgeous morning. It is missing something essential but I will sort that out soon. After breakfast, I drove my wife into Worthing Town to buy some items from M&S and go on to Boots.
It is all by the sea so I took the opportunity to walk on the beach. It was quite delightful, as you can see.
Lovely, warm morning so we went down the pier. It was quite busy this morning. Walkers, Fishermen, Tourists, Breakfasters, all enjoying the day. There is a lovely restaurant at the end of the pier which is receiving rave reviews. We might celebrate the end of my treatment with a meal there.
The show at the end of the pier goes on and will do until we die. Our task is to prolong that moment for another 30 years isn’t it Dear Reader? As long as my treatment comes to a positive conclusion, I intend to work hard to get fitter, better, more worthy of life.
My Mother-in-Law worked hard to reach 96. My friend, Julie’s Mother looks full of life at the age of 95. I really want to emulate these people and I wish it for you too, Dear Reader. Let us go forward together!
Neither a borrower nor a lender be …
Shakespeare’s Hamlet – Polonius to his departing son, Laertes
In the Elizabethan era, borrowing and usury were probably dirty words. Certainly the treatment of Shylock in The Merchant of Venice suggests that. In the modern world few people get through their lives without borrowing – at least for a house purchase. Speculate to accumulate is the modern mantra.
It is a lovely state to arrive at when we no longer need to borrow anything but can afford to lend to those in need. We feel incredibly lucky to have arrived at that state. And yet, I never carry money. I haven’t written a cheque for years. I don’t know where the nearest bank branch is. We have multiple credit cards provided by our bank and everything is bought with them through our smart phones. The important thing is never fail to pay off the card account at the end of the month because interest rates are ruinous. We have never in the whole of our marriage paid credit card rates. Who would want to borrow at a rate of 18.276%. Pity those who feel they have no other choice.
Monday, 6th November, 2023
Up early for (hopefully) my final week of radiotherapy. I say hopefully because who knows whether it will have worked or not. I will not know until the end of December. Will there be fireworks of celebration? There were on Worthing Pier last night on a crystal clear night.
Just completed Session 17/20. Thank you for your support! This one was a strange one. I was timed for 10.00 am and arrived an hour early as usual to drink a litre of water. Went in and registered and then just sat there for half an hour absolutely bursting for relief.
It turns out, some lunatic had fallen off the scanner bed and injured his leg. He hadn’t realised that, as soon as he got on and lay down, the bed automatically raised and he ended up falling from a great height. He was brought, hobbling, into the waiting room and there was a delay while they mopped up the blood. I was able to hold myself together and avoid flooding the treatment room.
Tuesday, 7th November, 2023
Beautifully sunny day of clear blue sky. Out of my routine this morning. Don’t have to be at the Cancer Centre until 2.00 pm so it feels strange. Didn’t sleep well at all but still up early. It is weird not to be preparing to set off after a month of doing just that.
I always find things like that interesting. Many people hate changes to their routines. I feel quite energised by it. I’m going to cut all the lawns this morning and tidy up the flower beds.
We can get quite tied in to our routines and organisations. They see us through our times. This is especially true in marriage. If you are anything like me, we negotiate and separate functions and then rarely question the responsibilities. So often and even now, they favour men. I am as guilty as any about that but I do like to learn new skills. How to use the microwave, the washing machine, the dishwasher, the second oven. How to make bread, cook steak, filet fish. These are all interesting novelties to learn in the relaxation of retirement.
But it’s the mundane things that we rather take for granted. I love gadgets. I love the way gadgets improve my routines. I am what is known as an early adopter. We have to have the latest gadget first. There are downsides to that. I remember getting a mobile phone 30 years ago when we were living in Yorkshire and suddenly realised we couldn’t get a signal at home. I had to drive a mile away to the nearest mast to make a phone call. Lunacy, I know, but I wasn’t put off. And guess what happened to mobile phones. They became ubiquitous. They added Texting, photography, internet and data transfer. They are our essential companion.
I have been shaving for 50 years. It is one of those morning routines that most men and some women take for granted. It can be irritating – literally. Recently, I bought a new, quite expensive shaver. It has changed my early mornings. It has taught me how to shave properly after all these years.
It was made for me because it has a mobile phone app which links to my shaver and monitors, guides and reviews my shaving each morning. I am rewarded with, You are a shaving Ninja. Which man could ask for more? It has a self cleaning pod of shaving balm which has an automatic routine that takes exactly the right length of time for me to clean my teeth with my electric toothbrush. Don’t you just love electric toothbrushes? I took one to a Greek island to introduce my friend to the concept. He wasn’t immediately convinced. It’s all in the mind. Keep it open to change and the improvement will come, Dear Reader.
Wednesday, 8th November, 2023
Penultimate Radiotherapy session. It had been raining heavily over night. The drive featured lots of standing water hazards. My day has been full of conflicting emotions – elation & sadness. In the waiting room this morning, I met lots of familiar faces on this cancer journey. They knew I hadn’t far to go and were congratulating me as if I had achieved something. I haven’t! I’ve just turned up, taken my pants down and had my body irradiated. That is not the hard bit. Has it worked? That is my concern.
My journey has been around 8 months. In that time, I’ve had hormone injections and a month of Radiotherapy. I won’t go into the side effects because they are unpleasant but I can cope with the physical effects. It is the psychological/emotional side that have been particularly difficult. Fortunately, I have been tirelessly supported by my wife and some friends. They have been so important. Talking to others going on this same journey, I realise that I’m not so unusual but I have been on the verge of tears many times in the past few months.
Met a man in the waiting room this morning who had been on hormone treatment and waiting for radiotherapy for 15 months. Another was tested at PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) 15.0 whereas mine was only 7.5. After hormone treatment he had reduced to PSA = 12.00. I had gone down to 0.35. I am obviously much luckier than many others. What a lovely team of Irish blondes I’ve been treated by!
Drove home via the beach road. Sunbathing would have been nice today ….. if it wasn’t for the driving fine rain. At least it is warm down here. I’ve now got a couple of hours in the Gym. I’m cooking our meal tonight and then have to prepare for my last session. You realise when you’re faced with it that all of this is so much wider than our parochial routine and more important than any game.
Thursday, 9th November, 2023
Beautiful, sunny day with clear, blue sky after torrential rain over night. Quite appropriate because it has finally arrived. Today is my final day of radiotherapy which has gone on for a long, lonely month. The champagne is in the wine-fridge chilling for Lunchtime, a tin of Celebrations is in the car to give to the girls who have seen me through the process. It will all be over by 11.30 am. Perhaps we can get back to real life and start travelling again. I have a lot of people to see.
Two years ago today, long before any inkling of cancer, a time when masks were expected on planes and in public, I was in Athens blithely going about my days of self indulgence and enjoyment. Nice things were happening in my life. Can’t wait to go back.
Let us go then, you and I,
T. S. Elliot – The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherized upon a table;
I have a PSA test booked for the week before Christmas prior to meeting my Consultant on December 29th. That will be a big meeting …. for me.
Well, I arrived early for my last session. Sitting in the carpark listening to a political podcast, I received a phone call from inside the building advising me that there would be a delay. A machine had broken down. They would advise me of a new time. The time is crucial because I need to drink a litre of water 40 mins before the treatment. Drink too late and I have to wait. Drink to soon and I’m in agony throughout the treatment. Fortunately, because it was my last one, the girls got me in close to time and everything went alright.
Lots of congratulations from the team of Irish blondes who had looked after me. I gave them a big tin of sweets to thank them for their services. It is strange after a full month of intimate contact that I will probably not see any of them again. That goes against all my instincts. I can’t leave significant people from my life behind. I will always go back if only one more time. And so, I will revisit them if only to say thank you properly.
When I have finished my treatment, I always dash to the toilet to empty an uncomfortable bladder. I did the same today but found myself instantly crashing and weeping at the emotion of the process end. I know that there are those who who will see me as a wimp, self indulgent and soft. I couldn’t care less. I let out a month’s worth of emotions quite easily. As I left for the car, my true friends contacted me wishing me well and safe journey home. The central feeling was anticlimactic.
This is the way the world ends
T. S. Elliot – The Hollow Men
Not with a bang but a whimper.
Back home, we opened a bottle of champagne and drank it with cheese and biscuits. Now I am writing to thank the girls who supported me through the process. They know me like few others ever will and I will always be grateful to them.
Quite a salutary lesson learned when I arrived back in the waiting room. Two gentlemen waiting – one to go down and one to go home. Both would take the best part of their day for this process. I drove an hour each way in my luxurious car, quietly alone. They waited for hospital transport to pick them up, deliver them, return to collect and take them home again. Lovely people struggling through their days. Me at home long before them drinking champagne and relaxing. In that context, I am a lucky man!
Friday, 10th November, 2023
A new day. Happy Friday, Dear Reader. Life restarts …. and it is a lovely day down at the beach. Everything seems possible. Everything seems infinite. Nothing will be forgotten or let go.
Freedom Day is celebrated with champagne and crisps. What better than Duck & Plum? Actually, as it turns out, many things are better but not these.
Sometimes things are wonderful even if others in the back of my mind are falling into the mists for a while. Nothing is for ever but everything will come to pass when we least expect it ….
The beach was glorious today, bright, warm and infinite. Oh, Dear Reader, I would love to show you my beach. Today it was filled with dreams …. Age comes to us all. Sooner or later we will seek solace in our friends. In the crashing of the waves and the warmth of the sun, we will remember them.
Saturday, 11th November, 2023
A cold night – by far the coldest of the year so far. We went down to 4C/39F. On mornings like this one feels so grateful for a well insulated home. We are not sleeping in a tent on the street or wrapped in newspaper. Can you imagine it? We may have to start putting the heating on soon!
Actually, over Breakfast, I download and read the newspapers – The Times, The Telegraph and The Guardian. When I wrote the phrase, wrapped in newspaper, I immediately thought, I haven’t bought a newspaper for years. I do see the ‘old people’, Brexiteers, shuffling down to the newsagents for their copies of the Daily Express & Daily Mail. Maybe they donate these colour comics to the homeless.
I bought a new case for my iPad which was delivered this morning. It effectively converts the ‘pad’ into a laptop with a keyboard which I can Blog on with ease. It came from Amazon and cost £150.00 which is a small price to pay for the conversion facilities.
While I am reading the newspapers, I am communicating and sharing ideas, cartoons, thoughts and just general chat with friends, relatives and neighbours. This morning I was sharing a conversation with my neighbours on either side – De & Jay and Jill & John – but also with my sister, Cathy, my friends, JohnR, Kevin and Julie and a couple of ex-colleagues from school. Mainly, they were enquiring about my current health after completing the radiotherapy and wishing us a good weekend.
John was spending his Saturday driving a minibus to take elderly and disabled people around the grounds of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. He does it most weeks and in the most inclement weather. Today, it was obviously lovely.
Went out for a walk in the sunshine this afternoon for the first time in a while. Lovely and warm, bright and relaxing. I have things to be resolved over the next few weeks, things that keep me awake in the small hours of the morning but this was a respite from thinking them through constantly. I am fighting hard to keep my exercise going. Going to spend an hour in the Gym this evening. I am feeling incredibly lethargic at the moment. I’m restricting my food intake to shed this extra weight I’ve gained through the hormone treatment. Looking forward to feeling ‘normal’ again.