Sunday, 8th October, 2023
Struggling a bit at the moment. Phoned my friend, Brian, in Shaw to wish him Happy Birthday. He has a friend who has been having exactly the same problems as me – hormone treatment leading to mood swings, hot flushes, weight gain, poor sleep patterns – and then went on to radiotherapy. He has emerged physically unscathed and cancer-clear so the talk was encouraging. Brian has recently been in hospital and found himself in a bed next to a former teacher from Oulder Hill who he and I both knew. It is a small world.
My radiotherapy month starts on Wednesday. By the second week of November, it should all be over. Then, I have a series of PSA tests followed by a meeting with my consultant at the end of December. The aim is to start the New Year cancer-free so that we can embrace a 12 months of travelling to celebrate.
I had thought I might attend my College reunion this year but I will be in the middle of my treatment month. There is a general one in December but that doesn’t appeal. It is only people I know who I want to see. Certainly, the snow doesn’t sell it to me.
At night I use the BBC World Service and during the day I am trying to escape into a world of Drama to blot out the real world at the moment. Strangely, I’m watching DocuDramas which are current. Just watched Partygate and I am now in the middle of The Long Shadow which is a well made account of the Yorkshire Ripper on ITV_X. The next will be Steve Coogan playing Jimmy Saville in The Reckoning on BBC iplayer.
My wife likes honey with fresh figs and porridge for breakfast. She bought a new jar from Sainsburys the other day and, when I looked at it, I was surprised to find it was produced just 5 miles away from where I was born. I was conceived in the village of Repton and the honey was produced in Littleover Apiary just 5 miles away. Sent a cold shiver of remembrance over my body when I saw it. I am struggling with memories at the moment.
Monday, 9th October, 2023
A warm, calm morning. Went down to the beach to listen to the waves as the tide went out, smell the ozone air and feel the warmth of the sun as it burns off the early morning haze.
Marking time at the moment so I am talking to friends to build some optimism. Kevin sets off for Spain tomorrow and we talked this morning. He wished me luck for Wednesday. John-R is busy with his constant round of good works and intellectual pursuits. He is far more public spirited than me. He tours the country giving talks to parochial organisations charging money which goes to charities and he drives a minibus service taking the elderly and infirm on tours of Fountains Abbey and Studley Royal. In his spare time he busks with his folk group in places all over the North with all proceeds going to charity. I’m afraid he puts me to shame.
Of course, John-R is driven by a religious faith which I don’t have. It was one of the things that we found so difficult to cope with when we lived in Greece. Although it is less so now, the Greek people are in thrall to the Greek Orthodox Church which weaves its dogma through every element of Greek life. Our island has 360 churches each of which will get a ceremony of celebration each year. The celebration involves a religious ceremony followed by food and drink.
The food will include huge loaves of bread baked in local ovens (Φούρνοι). This bread is called ευλογία, because it is blessed and because a blessing accompanies its use. Yes, I know it’s nonsense but it is a nonsense they believe. Yesterday was the feast of St. Thomas at Pothitos (Άγιο Θωμά στου Ποθητού). Each church has a particular patron family who will carry the religious icon for the church. This church is supported by the family who bought our house.
It really became hot over the day as we saw 24C/75F while walking. You have to keep telling yourself that we are approaching mid-October and everyone is jaunting around in shorts and tee shirts. People were swimming in the sea this morning and sunbathing on the beach. We finished the day by cooking and eating Supper in the garden. Kalamari and salad was wonderful in the warmth.
Tuesday, 10th October, 2023
Lovely morning although a little bit cool at 8.00 am. It will warm up quite rapidly looking at the sky. We are expecting to be 22C/72F today which will do. I am a bit sceptical of forecasts and my friend, Julie, told me this morning that it was raining heavily in her North Yorkshire home whereas the BBC forecast for there is warm & sunny this morning.
I start my radiotherapy tomorrow morning. It will be like a ‘work’ month – long and lonely. Preparing the night before. Up early – and clocks go back in a couple of weeks. Driving through rush hour. Facing the tests of the day and then driving home to prepare for doing it all over again the next day. The only difference will be that the preparation is physical rather than intellectual.
A lot of driving will be involved over the next month and I’m preparing things to occupy my mind in that time. Podcasts are my current enjoyment. If you are in to politics and current affairs, you will know some of these.
I wrote last weekend about my love of data. Yesterday, I was contacted by the Office for National Statistics asking me to join a new study of the impact
The data from this study are important in helping us understand:
- potential winter pressures to help support the NHS and other services to prepare for future stressors, and act as an early warning system for COVID-19
- the impact of COVID-19 on the lives of individuals, the community and on health services and how they are changing
Of course I’ve agreed to it. It is the least I can do. They will send me a year’s supply of lateral flow tests and I will answer an on-line questionnaire each month as a result.
You didn’t realise how exciting life could be, Dear Reader, did you?
Wednesday, 11th October, 2023
Well, it’s started. I received a phone call yesterday from a radiographer taking me through today’s procedure. This first session is at 11.00 am but the rest are an hour earlier so I’ve decided to get into the pattern of the day straight away. Up at 6.30 am so I have the maximum amount of time to prepare. Isn’t it dark at 6.30 am and the clocks go back on October 29th to make it even darker.
I have to have an enema 2 hrs before the treatment. (Sorry if that’s too much information.) Then, 40 mins before the procedure, I have to drink a litre of water so that will be while I am driving in. I drive straight into a private carpark for ‘cancer sufferers’ and must be in Oncology 15 mins before the treatment. Knowing these logistics suits me. I like to know the organisation in advance.
I can go in and stay in my shorts and tee shirt which is helpful. They scan my body to locate the three tattoos I had put in place at the planning meeting to fix the beam target. I am strapped into a framework unable to move so that the beam is precise. This is important so that they don’t damage me more than necessary. The radiotherapy takes about 15 mins and then I walk straight out to my car and drive an hour home. So, if things go to plan, I should be home by 11.30 each morning other than today.
Apparently, it takes a week or so before the side effects begin to show. Unfortunately, when I get home tomorrow, I have to have another hormone injection. This will take me to 8 months of treatment and I long for those side effects to end. I am so emotional at the moment that I can hardly live with myself. I am tired all the time and exercise is really mind over matter. I have a strong mind but rather weak matter. I am still forcing myself to do my walks but the timings of this month mean I will be spending far more time in the Gym in the evening. I need to do more rowing and weights this Winter.
Home by 12.30 pm. Quite surprised by how I reacted to the events. Got there extra early. The traffic was abnormally light. Drank a litre of sparkling water that I’d taken with me. Taken into the Radiology area and told what to do. The radiologists – two young girls – set me down in the ‘stocks’ with my head and feet set and began to line up the tattoos before drawing felt tip lines on my beautiful body. The whole process took about 40 mins for the first session which they warned me would get quicker on subsequent days.
I was amazed how emotional I found the morning. I received lovely messages of support from friends and came home to kind wishes in cards from neighbours. It makes all the difference to have their support. I don’t like putting my wife through this. She shouldn’t have to compromise her life.
Thursday, 12th October, 2023
A dark, damp morning at 6.30 am. Had to put the garden lights on to see the garden at all when I got up. It had rained but now stopped. Very warm. 18C/65F over night. I didn’t sleep well which means I’m tired this morning.
Watched the last episode of the Saville Biopic last night and the scenes ran through my mind all night, What a grubby little man he was living in a grubby little world.
His pride in his ‘shell suits’, flashy, tawdry jewellery, dilapidated, old, stone properties in Leeds and Scarborough and, more than anything else, his duplicitous morality legitimated by the Catholic Church to which he nominally belonged. The creed that all sin could be cleansed by confession and atonement allowed him astonishing sexual crimes which he believed he balanced out by doing charitable works.
Got to be driving out at 8.30 this morning and should be irradiated at 10.00 am. Every time I drive home I will be expecting to feel the side effects appearing and hoping they can be staved off as long as possible. Heard from Cathy last night asking about my first session and telling me she and Lori will be at the Brighton Clinic today as well. What old, disintegrating people we are becoming! Just remember, Dear Reader, as Benjamin Franklin said,
We must all hang together, or assuredly we shall all hang separately.
Day 2 over quite successfully although I did learn today that some men are having far fewer radiotherapy sessions than me which suggests my cancer is far more extensive. That was a bit of a shock. Amazing how lonely and exposed I feel going through the process.
Just as I was going down for the session, Kevin took the trouble to contact me from Spain where he should be just enjoying himself. Once again, I was amazed how much that helped.
Friday, 13th October, 2023
A warm night and a warm, dark, damp morning. We stayed around 20C/68F all night and it feels very humid this morning. Earlier session at the hospital today. Up at 6.00 am, as I did every work day for nearly 40 years. Traffic was better at that time and I was there early. I try to be there 40 mins before so that I can drink a litre of water in the car before I go in. While I’m there, I communicate with friends on my phone.
This morning Kevin sent me a photo of what I was missing in Spain. He followed it up by something I definitely wasn’t missing – an Amy Winehouse tribute act at the bar last night. I can’t imagine anything worse and that was reason enough to not go with him. Having said that, talking was a nice distraction and just reaching out made a difference.
Still gloomy outside as I went in. Two, young Irish radiographers this morning – one called Annie and the other Mollie. She had freezing cold hands but was otherwise lovely. Having been carefully positioned on the moving bed, they go out of the radiation room and I am left to my own devices with strict instructions not to move.
I am automatically drawn back into the dark, scanner tunnel. The silence and the darkness induce even darker, fatalistic thoughts in me. Why am I doing this? Why am I putting my wife through the whole process? Perhaps I should stop it and just let the prostate develop to its natural conclusion. It would be easier all round for everyone.
Drove back via the beach. There is something elemental and enveloping about the sea. The waves wash over, the sound soothes and the rhythm is eternal. Really tempting …
Saturday, 14th October, 2023
Well, we got through Friday 13th in one piece and last night was the coldest for well over 6 months. The temperature fell to 9C/48F. Even so, because of the hormone treatment. I still needed the air-conditioning last night in bed.
Really, I should sleep in the Gym. It doesn’t have central heating from the house. I have an oil-filled, ladder radiator on the wall which has to be controlled separately. The computer-controlled Gym equipment would be seriously damaged if the temperature fell below 5C/41F so I receive remote notifications on my phone & iPad letting me know the current Gym temperature and alerting me if it’s about to become critical.
We had the Gym insulated but that has increased the relative humidity and I receive reports on that as well although I’m not sure how to respond. Last night, the Gym temperature fell to 12.7C/55F which is fine and nice for sleeping when you get the sweats.
Driving up to Surrey this morning to visit M, P&C. It is a beautiful day after a crystal clear night. The biggest problem driving will be sun glare and, maybe, the M25.
The chef has made two Quiches for a family lunch this afternoon. One is bacon & tomato and the other is my favourite – salmon & asparagus. Mmm! Might forget to put that one in the car.