Sunday, 15th October, 2023
Coldest night since last March. We were 20C overnight on Friday and just 4C last night. Mind you, some Northern towns went down to 2C which really is bitter. The morning has opened bright and sunny with blue skies and little breeze. I will walk later when the world warms up.
The political programmes this morning are dominated by the Israeli-Palestinian problem. In spite of total condemnation of Hamas, it is good to see commentators speak up and huge crowds come out to support the Palestinian cause. Leaves one wondering why the international community have allowed Israel to imprison the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip for so long. There is a direct causality between the imposed Israeli restrictions and the strength of support for Hamas.
In the past 4 years, I have walked 12,000 miles. Just grinding out the effort day after day – never missing, never giving up – is the way I do it. I used to drive across Europe from Coquelles to Piraeus– a drive of 1100 miles. I have walked that return trip more than 5 times. I am like a dog with a bone. I never give up. I WILL never give up. Let the word go out. I will never give up until I achieve my goals. I am prepared to break everything to do it.
Call it obsession? Maybe, but I call it determination! I subscribe to the philosophy of that well known Athenian, Socrates, who argued and didn’t stop until he had broken down the expert’s view. The Socratic persistence is what I aspire to.
I AM concerned about wearing out my joints – feet, knees, hips, – but the pitfalls of inaction are worse. At times when I get up in the morning, I ache. Walking downstairs in the morning sometimes, my knees ‘click’. Out walking sometimes my hips ache. Getting out of the car after a long drive, I emerge bent-backed and aching. This is certainly happening increasingly with age. It has to be shrugged off or mitigated by treatment. My live-in podiatrist checks & creams my feet every morning. My recent skeletal scan showed moderate bone-wear for my age.
I wear out a pair of trainers in about 3 months. I have gradually arrived at the right trainers for me. I always buy Sketchers. Sketchers Arch-Fit Go-Walk are exactly right for me. They cost about £90.00 and I need a blue pair & a black to match my outfit at the time. Well, appearances do matter, don’t they! Looking forward to reporting 25,000 miles walked by the time I’m 76. Where will you be on your timeline in another 4 years, Dear Reader?
It is 7.15 pm. My wife is settling down to watch Strictly Come Dancing: The Results. I am not. I know I ought to support my wife. She has spent so many hours pretending to be interested in sport, trying to show interest in football and rugby, pretending not to be bored by cricket. There is an intolerance in me I can’t control.
Last week I really made an effort to share her viewing with her but I failed within 5 minutes. I heard a judge say, You’re a genius, darling! I looked at the competitor and thought, Genius? Einstein … Genius. Tim Berners-Lee … Genius. Love Island contestant and amateur ballroom dancer …. Genius? I couldn’t help snorting with derision and was immediately banished from the television room. I do try but there is only so far I can stretch.
Monday, 16th October, 2023
A dark, cold and lonely morning at 6.00 am. Day 4 of the 20 journeys to Brighton. This is going to be a 4 day week. The irradiation machine is being serviced on Friday. Only 4C last night. I suspect Northerners will have put the heating on. My friend, Julie, was lighting a log fire and making Winter casseroles. I hate this time of year and yearn for the warmth of Summer, for salads and for outdoor living again already. If I was able to, I would be buying it. Unfortunately at the moment, I can’t.
My treatment today was much longer than before. Bit unnerving. Two new radiologists. Once again young girls. Once again Irish – Cara & Aisling – but with warm hands today. They had watched the rugby over the weekend but Ireland had lost which made them sad. Strange feeling after each session which I can’t explain. I go feeling reluctant but optimistic. When it’s over, my emotions plummet viciously. Don’t know why. At that point exactly, I need support.
As I drove home, I received supportive Whatsapps from Kevin & JohnR and our lovely next door neighbours, John & Jill, wished me well and offered any support that I needed. There are lovely people in the world.
The drive there and home was so much better today. People who are in business tell us that Tuesday is the new Monday in travelling to the Office terms. Workers are tending to stay at home for Friday to Monday and go to the Office for 3 midweek days. Maybe that is why the traffic was lighter today. Anyway, it helped. Left at 8.15 am and arrived back at 11.15 am. by which time the world had warmed up to 12C.
Nine years ago today we visited a long lost relative of Pauline’s family who I’d tracked down over a number of heritage sites. We drove to her home near Hampton Court. Beth turned out to be a lovely person who was a BBC singer. Her husband was a High Court Judge. It was a lovely reunion that I was pleased to have arranged. People are, ultimately, the most important elements of our lives. An interesting article in the Daily Telegraph argues that much above exercise, diet & relationships are far more important to longevity.
Out walking this afternoon was less comfortable than it usually is. First, I wore a fleece!! Just 13C felt distinctly cool. More uncomfortable than that was the stiffness and soreness in my pelvic area. I was warned that the irradiation could result in some skeletal discomfort but I didn’t expect it so soon or so badly.
Tuesday, 17th October, 2023
Didn’t sleep well last night although the BBC World Service helped. Had a phone call from the hospital yesterday evening to tell me that Wednesday’s radiotherapy session was cancelled and Friday’s had already been cancelled. I don’t go at the weekend so I am only having one session in 5 days. This is on the borders of acceptable according to my consultant. There is not much I can do about it but I will contact the consultant today to make sure he is alright with it.
Breakfast drink, enema applied, bottles of water in the car and preparing to leave at 8.15 am. I am deliberately cautious about the timing. The 18 miles to Preston Park in Brighton. Actually, it should take about 35 mins but it is usually an hour in reality at this time in the morning. It only takes some road works, an accident, a slow vehicle and I can add 30 mins to the timing. I don’t mind arriving early. The cancer patients’ carpark is great with plenty of spaces and I sit and drink my litre of water – not an easy thing in half an hour. Red wine, maybe, but … water?
Actually, this morning it has all started to go a bit pear-shaped. First Friday’ s session was cancelled. Last night, Wednesday’s was cancelled and then, when I arrived this morning, there was a delay because one machine had broken down. Not a problem other than I had drunk a litre of water in preparation. By the time I was treated (warm hands again), I was DESPERATE!! As I drove home, a message came in from my consultant on the Patients Know Best app cancelling my end of treatment meeting in December. That was meant to be a live-or-die, end-of-treatment meeting. I am phoning him this afternoon to find out what is happening.
Every year since Pauline’s lovely Mum died in 2010, we have gone back to the North of England to pay our respects and remember her. Not that we ever forget anyway but it focusses the mind. We weren’t able to go in the pandemic year and it felt somehow ‘unfaithful’. This photo came up in the Memory Box from 2018. Every year, we have Lunch with Little Viv – our (former) Reprographics manager and Margaret who was SENCO managed by Pauline from SMT. Lovely people, lovely friends kind and supportive. Look forward to seeing them in the New Year when I hope to return to meet up with all my Northern friends. Have to book a couple of weeks to fit them all in!
Phoned the consultant. The meeting will be rearranged for the same day or close so there is no emergency. Might go back to the North of England then just to share it with my friends if I get the all clear.
Wednesday, 18th October, 2023
Hard to believe that it was 13 years ago that we came back early from Greece to be with Pauline’s Mum in what turned out to be her final few weeks. Every time we drive back up to Oldham, we are shocked how advanced the Autumn is. The Crematorium is a fittingly sad, damp, Autumnal setting with a hint of decaying leaves on this day each year.
Unfortunately, this year we can’t be there. It is my fault and I hope Mump doesn’t think I’m letting her down. She never let me down.
I have spent the morning contacting people by Text and Whatsapp to explain my absence. Texts are OK although attaching photos is an additional expense and I find that some people rudely fail to reply. With Whatsapp, firstly I can send as many photos as I like and at least there is notification. In the exchange above, you can see the two ticks which indicate Received & Read with two, blue ticks. I like that.
As any retired teacher will know, October 18th is important because the previous month’s Consumer Price Index (CPI) is announced by the ONS. The August level was 6.7% and government believed it would fall significantly this month. That was wishful thinking. State employees occupational pensions are index-linked on the September CPI. Against all expectations, rising fuel prices have kept the CPI to 6.7% which means Teachers pensions will be uprated by that. Last year, it was 10.1% so a two year increase of 16.8% is better than most salaries have improved.
The State Pension, although incredibly small and the smallest in the EU, is increased by the greater of 3 measures known as The Triple Lock. The pension increases by the greater of earnings, inflation or 2.5%. Well, this year, Earnings are 8.5%, inflation is 6.7%, both of which are higher than 2.5%. So, State Pension should increase in April by 8.5%. I hope you’re keeping up, Dear Reader.
Just like the Lock Down year, our enforced period of health treatment at the moment has meant we are saving money like mad because we can’t spend it. We are piling cash into investments for the years of infirmity to come. We will splurge it on travelling next year, hopefully, as long as the verdict is good.
Thursday, 19th October, 2023
Early start this morning. Traffic more difficult. People obviously set off very early for work in Brighton. This was my 6th session and I’m feeling institutionalised already. The routine is to go into a changing room and wait to be called. Some come and have to change. I just wear tee shirt and shorts but have to take off my trainers, watch and mobile phone and wait to be called. It is an individual changing room like a cell. By this stage my bladder is bursting so I try to move as little as possible.
A radiotherapist comes to get me and we go to one of the radiotherapy rooms where I have to provide my date of birth and my address to check I am who they think. I have been given a special sheet to lay on and which is used to adjust my position as they line up my 3 tattoos to the treatment beams to minimise the peripheral damage. When they are happy I am in place, they leave the room and I am automatically moved into the chamber. About 15 mins of treatment and it’s over.
The radiographers are all youngish girls. Everyone of the 6 I’ve met so far is Irish. They are happy, chatty, pleasant people. They try to make what could otherwise be a fairly humiliating experience as comfortable as possible. I must admit I play it fairly deadpan and non-committal.
When it is over, I go back to my changing cell, put on my shoes and walk back to the car. It is at that moment – and it has happened everyone of the first 6 times – when my emotions crash . I have absolutely no idea why but I withdraw into myself. It is then when I most need people. A voice, the touch of skin. A kiss. All of these things are massive at that moment.
By the time I’ve driven home, I am over it. I am feeling increasingly tired, sore and aching and I’m having to fight through that each afternoon on my exercise. Generally, the weather allows me to do the bulk of my exercise outside and the rest is finished in the Gym. I’m watching a film of the John le Carré book, The Spy Who Came in from the Cold. It stars Richard Burton & Claire Bloom and was made in 1966. We were 15 yrs old but I have to tell you that it is another world.
The furniture, the food, the transport, the technology was of another life. Nobody got stuck and phoned for help. Nobody asked a question and used their mobile for the answer. The internet, the mobile phone, the microwave, the colour TV of multiple stations, the motor car for all had not been conceived of. And this has been our life, Dear Reader. Out of a life of Black & White, we are reborn into an infinite world of colour. What we must avoid doing now is closing down our opportunities, saying we are old. Life is to be embraced, to be risked, to be tasted, to be opened up before we die.
Lovely, warm and quite sunny afternoon. Dragged myself round on a 6 mile walk. The area is still looking nice. The grassed areas have had a swathe of wild flowers sown this year and, in spite of local scepticism, it has worked and many are still flowering strongly half way through October. I am really feeling skeletal soreness after 6 bouts of treatment but the consultant told me to ignore them and push myself through the exercise because it would help in the end so that is what I am doing.
Friday, 20th October, 2023
Early start to the morning. Really lifted at 5.00 am to hear the byelection results which both reported historic wins for Labour. In each there were record wins for the Left.
It was so exciting that I couldn’t stay in bed and was up especially early to enjoy the reports. The thought of a Tory annihilation which is very much on the cards makes political activity really worthwhile.
O course, so many of my friends are absolutely delighted as I am. I talked to them this morning and they reinforced my views that the election is Labour’s to lose. A few haven’t replied yet but I will phone them over the next few hours. I’ve been out spending money. Oh, it hurts.
My wife needed new reading glasses. She reads so much that she’s worn out the lenses of her glasses. Just £180.00 has bought 2 pairs which will be ready next week. The kitchen bin broke this morning. Amazon will supply a replacement tomorrow – just £120.00. Can you imagine that a waste bin costs that much? Well this one does. Maybe it will last longer.
My treatment session in Brighton is cancelled today. The machine is being serviced. Bit annoying because my course is extended. Still, there is nothing I can do about it. We are going supermarket shopping and then online shopping when we get home.
Today, the chef is thinking about catering for Christmas. She is cooking not one Christmas cake but three. One for us, one for P&C and one for M&K which will be smuggled into Florida. We had to source ingredients and materials. We’ve had to go to Hobbycraft for cake boards and icing cutters. I have been tasked with searching out extra large roasting tins for very big turkeys. Nothing is left to chance for the caterer.
It’s 2.00 pm. and a lovely warm and sunny day. Going out for a walk although I am hurting quite a bit today. Bit worried about the soreness in my frame but got to keep going! Just hope it stands up to the pressure. ….. Well, 30 mins walking and rain appeared from nowhere. Have to do a couple of hours in the Gym now. ………. as soon as I decide that, the sun re-emerges and beams down across the world.
Saturday, 21st October, 2023
A grey day. It’s raining. Took Pauline to the hairdressers this morning so she didn’t get soaked. Drove home to meet a DPD delivery and then back an hour later to collect her. Looks like I’m going to be in the Gym this morning. We are going to have light rain for a few hours. Nothing like Leeds had yesterday.
My friend, Kevin, regularly flies from Leeds Bradford where it was reported a Tui plane skidded off the runway on landing yesterday. My friend, Julie reported that she’d been virtually trapped in her house on the North East coast for two days by the weather.
On this day two years ago, I met up with Julie in the most beautiful weather. Her port home looked wonderful in the sunshine. Even so, I couldn’t live that far North now.
Woke ridiculously early and thought of things I didn’t want to. Blocked them out by Turning on the radio to a discussion about Causality and Determinism, the philosophy first advanced by Aristotle. (We talk of little else on the South Coast.) I remember going home from College for a holiday and announcing at the Lunch table that I was a Marxist Determinist. It didn’t go down well.
My mother was a Roman Catholic who believed fervently in Original Sin. A Determinist believes that Free Will does not exist but that something in the life of an individual presupposes them to act in certain ways. On that basis, the concept of Sin is irrelevant.
In the early 1970s, my left wing politics engendered my view that actions were determined by Life’s experiences – poverty or wealth, Working Class or Higher Class, determined so much about nutrition and future health, subject to basic services like Health, Education, Housing, etc. In other words, I was taking the ‘Nurture’ side of the argument. In later life, I still tend towards that view but have integrated the genetic inheritance element or ‘Nature’ side although I have no idea in which proportion.
I suspect that my early upbringing and genetic inheritance contributed fairly equally to the mess of strengths and weaknesses I am. If only I had had Free Will, I would have done things so much differently. Just been talking to my old friend, John Ridley. A son of a Methodist minister, John has pursued a life of good works and continues to do so. There is a strong, determinist thread there.