Sunday, 22nd October, 2023
A beautiful morning after a sad day. A day of loss. That is how life goes. There is always an upside but you have to see it. I am going out in shorts and tee shirt in warm – almost hot – sunshine under blue skies to get on with my life.
Yesterday was a sad day for lots of reasons. For example a boyhood hero, Bobby Charlton died at the age of 86. When you are 10 or 15 years old, the age of 86 seems like forever. When you are 72, it makes one reflect on one’s own longevity and what one still needs to achieve.
It was a sad day for England cricket who were comprehensively thrashed in the World Cup in Mumbai yesterday. For me it was an even sadder day as England lost by one point in the final minutes to South Africa in the Rugby World Cup. I watched with my long distant friend, Kevin up in Yorkshire.
If you think grown men don’t cry, you only have to look at the faces of players who have given everything but still lost. It is no sign of weakness but evidence of really caring. What marks us out is how we respond. Do we turn our backs and walk away to do something else or do we refuse to accept failure, redouble our efforts and go again. Think of other ways to achieve our goal. I have to say that I favour the latter. I cannot and never will accept failure. I have to win. Past failures have to be readdressed.
Yesterday, I wrote about the concept of Determinism. Today, I’ve been focussing on …. bin liners. I bought a new kitchen bin from simplehuman. It cost me £120.00 which my wife thought was ridiculous even though it’s about the price she pays for a pair of trousers. The bin has a 10 year warranty so I registered it on line. They offered me 20% off my next purchase so I looked for how I might use it. Custom-fit bin bags were on offer delivered free to my door. They came in various size packs so, as always, I went for the biggest: 240 bags for £75.00. I thought it was reasonable. My wife didn’t. When I told her I’d ordered them, she went mad. There is no accounting for people’s behaviour is there Dear Reader?
And if you don’t love me now
You will never love me again
I can still hear you saying
You would never break the chain (never break the chain)
And so it is that the house is reverberating to the sound of Fleetwood Mac.. Not my choice but my wife’s favourite. I know about a handful of their songs and, through repetition, I like them but I prefer the lyrics.
Monday, 23rd October, 2023
Beautiful morning apart from the fact that it is Day 7 of Irradiation. There is a faint whiff of cooking meat in the air. I recruited a new friend to come with me on the journey. We met in the sunshine of the garden yesterday.
This beautiful creature entered my life yesterday. Isn’t she gorgeous? Actually, I say ‘she’ but snails are hermaphrodite. When common garden snails (Helix aspersa) mate, a penis is extruded from the side of each head as the snails join together. Too much information? Hope you weren’t eating Breakfast although … is there any more appropriate time for snail sex?Anyway, I am far too shy for such activities so I’ve told her/him that she’s got a ‘window’ to do whatever while I’m out.
The irradiation sessions seem to be getting longer each time I go. Still got 13 more. Decided to celebrate when it’s over with a French shopping trip before Christmas and I think I’m going to need a trip to the North of England as well. Just booked a couple of nights in France – buy some wine, chocolate, hopefully porcelain replacements for things we’ve I’ve broken, presents, interesting ingredients for Christmas Dinner, etc..
A little trip like this used to be so cheap with discount, off-peak Eurotunnel tickets, etc. This one will cost £190.00 return Tunnel crossing plus £300.00 for the hotel. Just renewed our travel insurance annual policy. It is ‘free’ with our bank account although it isn’t. We have to pay a 2 x £75.00 age extension premium for being over 70 and an extra £180.00 for my condition as a decrepit old man. So it is ‘free’ if you don’t count the £330.00 add-ons.
Just completed my exercise routine this afternoon. Was tired, lethargic, a bit jittery and lacking in energy. I’m only 30% of the way through my treatment. I had hoped to stave off these feelings for as long as possible. I don’t like the loss of control.
Tuesday, 24th October, 2023
Didn’t sleep last night until it was time to get up and then I was totally gone. The radio alarm came on at 5.45 am and I fell asleep to the tones of Farming Today. It’s usually compelling listening. Today, it was about genetic modification which I find interesting but now … I’ll never know. There are one or two people I can think of who need genetically modifying but … tomatoes?
Dashing off at 7.45 am today although it was amazing yesterday how quiet the traffic was. When I got there, I suddenly realised it was Half Term. Amazing effect on the traffic. All children should be forced to walk to school no matter how far. Parents’ cars and children’s bikes should be BANNED.
A beautiful morning …. if you’re not going to be irradiated. I arrive at Preston Park Cancer Centre with an hour to spare because the traffic is so light once again. Warm and sunny today, there is a huge contrast between the purpose of the Centre – treating the ill – and the Park across the road which is available for the healthy. Walkers, joggers, dogs all exercise in the park with lots of space and fresh air available.
Had some lovely contacts from a variety of people over the past few hours. My skinny, little sister contacted me having read the Blog. She thinks I’m going on a Booze Cruise. Of course, as you will know, Dear Reader, I’m far more refined than that. It is a short break of a few days from the prison that is treatment. Of course, sisters always think the worst, don’t they .. and I’m so nice to them. At least Skinny Liz thought of me. Might buy her a box of chocolates. … There again …
One of the problems is buying presents for people who have got everything. We will shower them with calories in the guise of chocolates and sweets. We have a special shop in France that we use to source exactly that.
John_R told me today that his daughter is getting married soon. He’s obviously very proud of her. He’s going back to South Korea in the Spring to visit his son who is a teacher out there. Neighour, Jill, has watched me drive out for the clinic each morning and contacted this morning to ask how I was feeling. Julie also asked how things went in the treatment today. She’s going off to look after her 95 year old Mum for a few days. We really do sound old, don’t we?
While I was in the clinic, Kevin, who is about to be a grandfather again, sent me this baptism video. Didn’t surprise me that anything so extreme was Roman Catholic. They are all absolutely mad!
Wednesday, 25th October, 2023
Day 9: Very warm but dark and wet and 6.30 am. The warmth yesterday morning produced that lovely, low-level mist that cold grass hitting warm air produces at this time of the year.
Setting out before 8.00 am for another session of irradiation. Got stuck in a waiting room with lots of other sufferers the other day when the machine broke down. It was a salutatory experience. Suddenly, I became part of the community of cancer sufferers – something I didn’t want and had never even contemplated. It was uncomfortable. People greeted me as if they knew me because of my condition. This is when you need people who do really know you.
Today, there were only two of us there and I was in and out in about 20 mins. The whole process engenders in me a sense of isolation and utter loneliness. It is almost an out of body experience, as if I am watching it happening to someone else. I do try to detach myself from the whole thing. When it’s over and I am walking out, it is almost as if I am allowing myself to breathe again and the emotions flood me. I’ve had so few involvements with hospitals in my life until recently that the whole environment feels utterly alien.
I’m sure many of my readers will think I’m being far too self-indulgent and whingeing about my feelings as I go though this process. In fact, one reader even said quite pointedly that self pity wasn’t an attractive look. I’ve written a number of times that the stiff upper lip approach is not for me. I come to terms with things by expressing them, writing about them openly. Actually, underneath that and possibly because of that, I am very strong. I was reading the response of Julia Bradbury, TV presenter and cancer sufferer who addressed exactly this point.
I allowed myself to feel all the pain, vulnerability and fear because it was an important part of my recovery and healing process. If you quell a trauma, you risk damaging yourself internally. Meditation became very important to me because that’s when I could let the tears flow.
Julia Bradbury
Alright, meditation is a step too far but the general thrust is exactly right for me and, if I come through this intact, I will be in a better place to help others around me who go through such an ordeal – even those unkind to me.
My friend, Kevin, is expecting to welcome his 10th grandchild into the world some time today. As someone with no children or grandchildren, I have pointed out to him how excessively greedy this is – 4 children and 10 grandchildren. He’ll have no problem with Carers in his dotage.
Thursday, 26th October, 2023
Dark start to Day 10/20. From tomorrow, it will be all downhill. Should be delighted but a strange concern crept over me yesterday. When this is over, I will receive the final verdict. Has it worked or not? How will I feel if it actually hasn’t? That is to come. For now, another dark drive down the coast to Brighton.
Illness, serious illness definitely makes one more conscious of age. Usually, I feel fit and energetic and optimistic and ‘young’. This morning, an ex-pupil posted this photo of our Craft Block in its infancy. This is exactly the sort of evidence that ages one instantly.
I think it was David Weatherly who posted a photo of this group. It immediately made me feel my age. It depicts John Mayall (89), Mick Fleetwood (76) and Bill Wyman (86). Quite extraordinary how time has gone on and how golden are those memories not to be dismissed easily. We throw away our connections with the past at our peril.
I remember my little brother, Bob, coming home with an LP by John Mayall & the Blues Breakers: A Hard Road. I couldn’t understand it. I was in to the Moody Blues, James Taylor and Joni Mitchell. I remember him coming home so proudly with his first pair of Levi Jeans which were stiff as a board and had to be softened by wearing them sitting in a bath of water while I was wearing very racy, orange striped hipsters. I contacted Bob this morning from the Cancer Centre as I drank my litre of water prior to treatment.
In real time, these wild, broadly sown Cosmos caught my eye yesterday while out walking. We are almost at the end of October and they are still flowering profusely and standing proudly.
Had to accompany the Chef to Sainsburys to buy a list of ingredients for Christmas cakes. Amazing how many women of a similar age were hovering around the same shelves urgently consulting lists.
Friday, 27th October, 2023
Warm, Dark, Wet. Dark, Wet, Warm. It’s going to be an interesting day. Quite a lot of the road I drive to Brighton has terrible drainage with huge pools of standing water when it rains. This morning it will be swimming pools after heavy, overnight rain. The last day of Half Term effect so must enjoy the sparsity of traffic.
This afternoon will be shopping and then spent in the Gym. Chef will be starting Christmas cakes. We debated making 3 which included one for us but have decided against it because, as we agreed, we’d only eat it and we don’t need the calories so just 2 cakes for P&C and for M&K.
Kevin seems so blasé about grandchildren with 9 already that he is very laid back about a 10th. He sent me a photo and hasn’t told me which sex it is. It looks like a boy to me but I daren’t ask because I could be totally wrong. I’m sure it will emerge in time. Before that, I’ll let you decide, Dear Reader. Let me know. …. New Life for Old.
I was reminded that 14 years ago this week, we received confirmation from our Mortgagee, Northern Rock, that we had paid off our last ever mortgage. In 2009, we had still owed £250,000. We had paid off everything we owed on the house in Huddersfield and the house we built in Greece.
We were mortgage-free for the first time in our lives. It was a weirdly, liberating feeling. We had deliberately disciplined and challenged ourselves to save, invest and improve for 30 years and it had paid off. We thought that we would now be able to indulge ourselves but the habits of a lifetime are hard to throw off, aren’t they Dear Reader and we have continued to save and invest across 13 years of retirement. I’m constantly saying, Aren’t we lucky? We just don’t have to worry about money at all. but my wife gets annoyed with me and says, We worked hard for everything we’ve got. You don’t have to apologise. And yet I do. I really do. By the accident of birth, I am in the place I am.
It is a warm day of rapidly alternating hot sun and blue sky with torrential rain out of fast-moving black clouds. Not safe to be out walking without swimming so my exercise will be in the Gym today. I’ve got to find a new film to watch. I like political thrillers, espionage, historically-based drama, etc.. Serious things.
Imagine how I surprised myself when I found myself enraptured by a romantic comedy. A TV presenter of political discussion meets an Irish girl while on location in Ireland. He is immediately hooked by her personality and cannot get her out of his mind.
She is a nightmare but he cannot shake off the memory of her in spite of a chaotic texting relationship, being ghosted and rejected. He breaks all the rules to be with her. Ultimately, he dispenses with his partner and, potentially, his career, they become an uncomfortable couple. Life isn’t comfortable is it? I found it so enjoyable …. I must be MAD. Next ….
Saturday, 28th October, 2023
Torrential rain over night. I heard most of it because I didn’t sleep well. A day off from treatment. I found myself just letting go and sleeping in until ….. 8.00 clock!! My apologies to anyone who is offended. I offend myself by my laziness.
Drove down to the beach after breakfast. The weather was warm, dry and quite bright. High tide was due. In fact, I nearly got drowned again as I took photographs. I still cannot convey the majesty of the waves as they roll in and break on the shore.
Rain is forecast again tonight which is a pity because Worthing, in its wisdom, has decided to hold its Fireworks and Carnival this weekend rather than next. It is still very warm and un-Winter like. I am still living in shorts and tee shirt. Even so, today I am cooking Supper. It will be a Winter-warmer from Greece. Stifado is very much like Beef Stew although it has significant differences.
The flavourings make all the difference. Any meat flavoured with sticks of Cinnamon and Allspice is going to stand out. It also features small, round shallots which accompany the beef in tomato sauce, red wine and brandy reduction. I’ve really enjoyed cooking it, Dear Reader. You are very welcome.
The rain is back this evening and I have retreated to the Gym while my wife watches Strictly Come Dancing with a box of chocolate truffles. She’s ordered another two pairs of trousers to boost her morale. How many pairs of trousers can one woman wear?